Judged by the Companies You Keep

The NBA has moved one step closer to becoming soccer. Besides the frequent flopping that's fooling officials, frustrating fans and interfering with the flow of the game, the league's board of governors agreed to allow ads on jerseys, in the form of patches, beginning in the 2013 season. Said sponsorship patches would also appear on the jerseys sold in stores. What fan wouldn't want to pay to be a billboard? Why merely root for a team when you can cheer for a corporation? Braces yourself for uniforms by Unilever. If you back the T-Wolves, you'll be forced to back T-Mobile, too. And since the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, we're sure you'll get the same satisfaction supporting Joe Johnson as you will supporting S.C. Johnson.

Under this equally greedy and grotesque arrangement, the Clippers will be sponsored by Great Clips, the Lakers by Land O'Lakes, the Kings by Burger King, the Suns by SunTrust (or Sun Life), the Pacers by Pace salsa, the Magic by MagicJack - oh, wait, women's soccer already tried that one. Why not take the intrusive idea even further and sell space within a team's name, that way Denver, proactively applying synergy to brand management, can put the prefix "Mc" in front of Nuggets? That plan would be as tasteless as the product promoted.

Kobe's Age-nda

Is Kobe truly two and through? Bryant said in an interview that he might stick to the old plan he made as an afro'ed rookie and close out his career at 35, which also happens to be when his contract runs its course. Will the Black Mamba seriously slither away after two more years, considering he stood second in scoring during the regular season and the postseason, even raising his average in the playoffs? Considering Kobe's competitiveness and conditioning, exiting early doesn't fit the reptile's rep. Why go dormant while still dominant? Like the reboot of Spider-Man, Kobe's talk of retirement is too soon and we refuse to recognize it*.

You can be elderly and remain extraordinary, as the Lakers newest acquisitions - Steve Nash, 38, and Antawn Jamison, 36, - have exhibited. Those grizzled guys should make Kobe feel young again, as opposed to the toddlers on Team USA, where he is the senior statesman by four years. Keep in mind, Kobe: If you win gold in London that doesn't mean you've entered your golden years.

*And don't get us started on the remake of Total Recall. The three boobs this time will be the trio of people who see the pic.

Obamacareless

We assume Team USA were wearing their Air Force Ones on Monday because the President, First Lady and Vice President were all on hand to watch them beat Brazil in the nation's capital. We also assume they laced them lackadaisically because besides LeBron James - who scored 30 and described playing in front of the President as "humbling" and "overwhelming" - that's how they performed in a weak 11-point win. Paltry passing, minimal movement on offense and shaky shot selection can be blamed for the U.S. being down by double digits at the end of the first quarter. They were putting forth less effort to do their jobs than Congress. When President Obama opined on the Dream Team debate during an interview at halftime, he noted that the Barcelona bunch were never behind on the scoreboard and he'd pick the pioneers to prevail. On that point, even Republicans can concur*.

Instead of bringing Biden, the President might have been better served selecting his Secretary of State because the Commander-in-Chief had to engage in diplomatic relations in order to secure marital relation. Featured on the stadium staple "kiss cam" twice, the First Lady first demurred, but the second time submitted to a smooch. Based on the President needing permission to peck his partner, we now know the pecking order of power in the White House.

*Fact: The Tea Party refers to members of the '92 Dream Teams as the "Founding Fathers," but only the white ones and they all agree that Christian Laettner should've been starting.

ReLINquished

So much for the source that said the Knicks would match offers made up to "one billion dollars" on Jeremy Lin. We're no accountant, but unless our calculations are off, the 3-year, $25 mill. proposed by the Rockets is nowhere near that named number. They vowed to open the vault, but in the end, they wouldn't even open their coin purse to retain Lin. The trailblazing Lin will be replaced by a former Trailblazer, Raymond Felton, who agreed to a sign-and-trade deal. The Knicks determined they'd rather spend $6.33 mill. per season on veterans Jason Kidd and Raymond Felton rather than invest in the younger Lin for $5 mill. a year. Sounds like Kidd wasn't the only one drunk making a dumb decision this weekend.

Sure, the Knicks got deeper by picking up a pair of polished pros, but they didn't think deeper about the social and cultural impact of Lin, the sports success story of 2011, and the profusion of positive press for a franchise that's been a punching bag post-Patrick Ewing. Lin's value extends far beyond the basketball court, to the far east as an Asian-American ambassador to grow the game globally. Houston, where Yao Ming once called home, is acutely aware of that, yet the Knicks are too stupid or stingy to see what - more so than who - is slipping away. With new neighbors in NYC already needling the Knicks, they just might pay for their refusal to pay for Lin.

A Tough Blake

In terms of injuries, the 2012 men's Olympic team is snake-bitten, figuratively, but we wouldn't be surprised if it literally became true; if a cobra chomped on Carmelo and caused him to miss the competition. That's because Blake Griffin became the seventh star to suffer a setback that will prevent him from playing in London. Griffin tore the medial meniscus in his left knee (we're not a physician, we just pretend to be one on this blog) and will miss eight weeks. Griffin didn't even have the chance to face international competition, as the happened before last night's first exhibition game. This means the closest Griffin got to gold was the Gold Bond powder in the trainer's room.

This year marks the 20th anniversary of the inaugural and incomparable Dream Team, so players of this incarnation were asked the "who would win" question. Kobe benignly backed this bunch, as if there was any other way to answer. That exasperated their elders. Scottie Pippen posited that the '92 crew would've mauled the modern one by a margin of 25 points, while Michael Jordan's reaction was reproachful: "For him to compare those two teams is not one of the smarter things he ever could have done." And MJ knows about doing dumb things, like taking time off at the peak of his career to pursue baseball or not hiring Hall of Fame coach Jerry Sloan this summer or even fellow Dream Teamer Patrick Ewing (he instead went with a college assistant coach, Mike Dunlap; honestly, a Dunlap tire would've been a better choice).

Moving Forwards

Now that we've graded the guards, we examine how the few forwards fared in free agency:

Rashard Lewis (Wizards to Heat): Lewis is a bargain for the veteran's minimum and it's super that he's reunited with his old Sonics pal, Ray Allen (see what we did there?). They'll both have free reign to rain threes. B+

Ryan Anderson (Magic to Hornets): Anderson is one of the best shooters in the league for his size and extremely underrated. The Magic are lost, while the Hornets have a map, although they haven't opened it yet (Anthony Davis swears he'll stop and ask for directions). B

Staying power forwards: Far more important than those exiting, were those ensconcing themselves in an established environment. The retention of the most sensational and the most sensible power forwards in the league, Blake Griffin and Tim Duncan, was modest - much like the men - yet momentous. Griffin is more electrifying than a kite in a rainstorm, while Duncan is as solid as oak furniture. Duncan will remain monogamous until his career concludes and Griffin will continue to change the Clippers from being denigrated to venerated. The confident commitment is commendable from the both clubs as well as their cornerstones. A+

Nowear to turn: No one in the NBA must be looking forward to payday more than Jeremy Lin. Before last night's ESPYs, Lin revealed on the red carpet that he borrowed a bow tie, bracelet and watch from a friend for the awards show. What, there are no jewelers in the Big Apple who'd lend Lin a timepiece? Just five months ago, he was on a roll, now he can't be loaned a Rolex for an evening? We GUESS there's not a caring Citizen in the city. And that tick, tick, ticks us off.

Changing of the Guards, Pt. II

In the second installment, we size up the shift in shooting guards:

Ray Allen (Celtics to Heat): Allen is going to sprain his ankle chasing another championship, while simultaneously re-defining what it means to be a hired gun. He had a rift with Rajon Rondo, so he took less dough and broke up the original "big three" to shoot threes in Miami. Like the clubs on South Beach, he'll be open late. A

Joe Johnson (Hawks to Nets): Johnson monetary value was so overestimated, he could as easily work at Barclays on Wall Street, as he could at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn. His super-sized salary won't be a source of shame to NYC sports fans (see: any of the Yankees). B

Lou Williams (Sixers to Hawks): The best beardless bench player in the league, Williams is like a microwave burrito: he heats up in a hurry and comes cheap (for the mid-level exception). B+

Nick Young (Clippers to Sixers): Young is a one-year rental, but with their leading scorer leaving, he'll be expected to fill up the cup like a person pouring Pabst at a party. C+

Landry Fields (Knicks to Raptors): The Raptors couldn't land Jeremy Lin, so they signed his BFF. Here's to hoping Fields can create another highbrow handshake, this time with Andrea Bargnani (maybe mime reading a Malcolm Gladwell tome, they can blink a bunch to signal this). C

Jamal Crawford (Trailblazers to Clippers): Crawford will take pressure off of Chris Paul to score and allow Chauncey Billups to play out of position less. He produces points like the American Pie people produce shitty sequels. B-

Bonuses*: Kirk Hinrich (Hawks to Bulls): He'll have to hold down the fort until Derrick Rose returns, but coming off a career-worst year (averaged 4.5 ppg fewer than in '10-'11), Hinrich might be more suited to protect a pillow fort. C-

Brandon Roy (retirement to Timberwolves): Think a comeback couldn't hurt? It can. After packing it in due to nagging knee injuries, Roy will join a new wolf pack, but there's a big risk Roy will wind up howling in pain. Incomplete - we don't think he'll complete the season

*This means we forget to include them in the previous post about point guards.

Changing of the Guards

As a postscript to the prior entry, not only couldn't we convince the Magic and Dwight Howard to reconcile while in O-town, we also didn't talk them out of trading their other promising player, Ryan Anderson, for an unproven señor, Gustavo Ayon (54 total games in the association), three years Anderson's senior. ¡Que lástima! We didn't miss much while we were gone, except a plethora of point guards picking pristine places to populate (one of the only PGs to stay put was Jameer Nelson and we're not sure why he'd want to stick around during the Magic's rushed and ramshackle rummage sale). Here's how we grade the passage of passers:

Steve Nash (Suns to Lakers): If anyone can keep the peace between an icon (Kobe Bryant), an insubordinate (Andrew Bynum), an intellectual (Pau Gasol) and an in-over-his-head coach (Mike Brown), it's noted pacifist Nash. He'll pass more than a network exec being pitched pilots. A

Jason Kidd (Mavericks to Knicks): We hope he's there to teach Jeremy Lin, not take his minutes. If the Knicks intend to match every offer for the Harvard hot shot, then they shouldn't treat Lin with Kidd gloves. B-

Deron Williams (New Jersey Nets to Brooklyn Nets): Technically, Williams is moving, even though he's remaining with the same franchise. After seeing the Nets overpay for Gerald Wallace ($10 mill. per season) and trade for the overpaid Joe Johnson, and determining that the Dallas hometown discount would be deep (a $23 million difference), there was no way Williams was going to say "nyet" to the Nets and Mikhail Prokhorov's summer spending spree, even if there aren't enough bucks leftover to bring in a big man. Part-owner Jay-Z has to be happy that Prokhorov is following the advice laid out in jigga man's 2000 track, "Big Pimpin'": spending Gs. A-

Goran Dragic (Rockets to Suns): The former Sun's scrappy sub will fill in full-time for Nash now, having been promised the position. With 66 career starts, he's as green as a cactus. C

Kyle Lowry (Rockets to Raptors): Nash, the GM of Canada's national team, said "no" to the dinos (leaving $9 mill. on the maple syrup-stained table), so they settled for Lowry, who's younger, but not necessarily better than Jose Calderon. Canucks will be feeling (Labatt) blue for awhile. C-

The Dwight Decision

We envied just-hired Magic GM Rob Hennigan, who at 30 years old is the youngest executive in the league - for a few days. Not anymore. Before his second full week on the job, Hennigan has to figure out the fate of his self-contradicting center, Dwight Howard, who now wants to be in Brooklyn more than a horn-rimmed, handlebarred hipster. Howard could've headed out without the hub-bub, but he opted-in for one more year with the Magic, citing loyalty as his reason to return. That loyalty disappeared faster than tourist dollars at Disney World.

Hennigan has heard Howard out, but will he wait Howard out? Howard has swayed more than a pendulum, so he could swing back to staying, provided the Magic put pieces around him pronto. That probably won't happen, since the Magic are absent a coach, so they'll blackmail their malcontent for a package of players and picks, knowing they didn't receive full value in return for a six-time All-Star, thrice named Defensive Player of the Year. Hennigan will get ripped off and get ripped for it, and he'll want to hide under his desk - as soon as it's delivered to his new office.

Coincidentally, we're off to Orlando for a few days, so we'll see if we can convince Dwight - over a bottle of butterbeer at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter - to retract his request.

Accept Pro Substitutes

The U.S. men's basketball squad is putting the 'limp' in "Olympics." The cost of chasing a championship and all the extra games involved caused Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh to both bow out last week, opting for surgery and rehab, respectively. The list of the lame is now longer than lines at stations selling gas for under $3 and, adding the hurting Heat, is up to a half-dozen (Lamar Odom, after being shut down by the Mavs like he was a languid laptop, has recovered in time to audition).

Now, comes news that even a potential filler - number one pick and unofficial unibrow ambassador, Anthony Davis - has fallen. Davis sprained his ankle in a workout with the Hornets and isn't expected to recover before the July 7 deadline for the selections to be finalized, a date that was already extended. Finding 12 healthy men, especially big bodies by Saturday, will be more challenging than spelling 'Krzyzewski' correctly on the first attempt (since Coach K has said this will be his last Olympics, can we suggest one of the criteria for the next candidate be a man with more vowels in his surname, such as Thibodeau?). Even though they aren't properly prepared for the promotion or the pressure of the global games, replacements like DeMarcus Cousins and Derrick Favors might have to do Team USA a favor. To complete its roster, USA basketball might have to take a few players who are far from complete.