Bowled Over

Even though he hasn't yet played a minute this season, Andrew Bynum managed to incur a lane violation - a bowling lane violation. Bynum confessed that while recovering from a right knee injury, he hurt his left knee on Saturday at an alley, possibly pushing back his return even further and into 2013. The Sixers, who brought in Bynum via a blockbuster trade, have a history of buying bum big men. In 2008, the team signed Elton Brand, despite him coming off an 8-game season, severely shortened by an Achilles injury. Brand never regained his All-Star form in Philadelphia and was released in July. At least in this case, the team hasn't committed to Bynum, who's in the final year of his contract. Still, you can find less damaged goods at the bottom of a Black Friday bin.

Bynum believes bowling wasn't more rigorous than rehab, which could be true, but plunking pins is still a pinhead move that'll make Philly fans want to tear out their - and also his - hair*. We don't know how good a bowler Bynum is; the center may be able to pick up a spare, but the Sixers can't pick up a spare center.


*We suspected the fifth Beatle was a brotha.

Truant or False?

Houston, we have a problem. Rockets rookie Royce White, who is battling a fear of flying, is now battling with the team that drafted him. White, through his publicist*, issued a statement claiming the club has been "inconsistent" in how it has handled his anxiety disorder and expressed regret at revealing his mental malady. White, who has yet to get into a game, has adopted a Ferris Bueller attitude about practice this week and taken it off without permission. Meanwhile, the team intended to assign him to the D-League, where the only mode of transportation is by bus. We don't know what plan the two sides formulated to help him face his phobia, but going Greyhound doesn't appear to sit well with White^. Houston would only say that White is "not available" - maybe they mean emotionally?

*maybe focus on dealing with the full-court press instead of the press

^perhaps, the question isn't what are these parties going to do, but rather what aren't they going to do?

Hire Learning

You could say the Lakers search for a head coach took Seven Seconds or Less. The Lakers decided not to fill their vacancy with Phil. The team opted against bringing back Jackson, much to the surprise of everyone, including the guy given the gig, Mike D'Antoni, who confessed to the New York Daily News, "When I got the call that it was me, my first reaction was, 'Are you serious?'" And, we imagine, Jim Buss, also talking like a teenager, responded, "Yeah, totes. Serious as Jacob's love for Bella!" To which D'Antoni then replied, "This is cray-cray!"

Jackson was thought to be the consensus choice, but rumors are that while he loves the work of Jack Kerouac, he was reluctant to be on the road, due to persistent health problems. D'Antoni and Nash had a productive partnership in Phoenix for four seasons, two of which were MVP years for the guard. As an assistant, D'Antoni has coached Kobe and Dwight Howard on the Olympic team. D'Antoni also carries a reputation as a players coach. Then again, so did Mike Brown. And it was a player, a star fellow, who cost D'Antoni his last job in New York. There are reasons to select D'Antoni, but last we checked, the championship count was: Jackson 11, D'Antoni 0.

D'Antoni is tasked with taking this team to the top and it'll be an uphill climb for him. He has the high-priced equipment, but can he figure out how to best utilize it?* Meanwhile, the Zen master is already seated at the summit, meditating (working through why he isn't working). And Bernie Bickerstaff is seeking out a staffing agency.

*if not, he'll be asked to take a hike

Brown Out

Even though Mike Brown has a pair of glasses to match his every suit, as well as an endorsement deal with Oakley, we don't think he saw this coming. Brown has been fired following the Lakers bad beginning. L.A.'s glaring 1-4 record caused a crabby Kobe Bryant to glare from the bench during a loss on Wednesday (it's fair to say he wasn't Jazzed to be beaten by Utah). Signs that the squad of superstars, who traded for top talent Dwight Howard and Steve Nash in the offseason, were struggling showed in the preseason, when L.A. went winless.

In the end, 2009's Coach of the Year was granted a mere 71 regular season games with the Lakers, of which the club won 42, despite him signing a four-year contract in 2011. Brown told Esquire last year that the amount of eyewear he owned was "embarrassing," so we're wondering what word he would use to describe being dismissed just five games into a season? It's ironic that a man with a surplus of spectacles was faulted for a fading focus.

The Fool Monty

Hornets coach Monty Williams lost his head over how the NBA is handling a head injury to Anthony Davis. The number one overall pick suffered a mild concussion last Friday and has been held out of two games, as per the league's protocol. "It's just that now you treat everybody like they have on white gloves and pink drawers," Williams whined. It sounds like Williams is the one with his New York Knickers in a twist. The league, with its white gloves, reached into Williams' bank account and removed $25K, on Tuesday.

Williams placed blame on the precautionary policies of the NFL pervading the NBA. One glitch in his gripe: there are no helmets in the association. Although cranium contact is less frequent in basketball, players are also less protected, so when it does occur, the collision isn't cushioned by any equipment. If Williams believes Davis should start before he's symptom-free, maybe he should be the one having his head examined.

I (De)Voted

Today, even if he's not re-elected as President, Barack Obama has elected to play basketball. Former White House spokesman Robert Gibbs confirmed that the Commander-in-Chief has asked ex-aide and collegiate hoopster Reggie Love to organize a pick-up game in Chicago. It's a tradition that began in 2008, when the Senator who the scouting report says has an outside shot, had an outside shot at being the Democratic nominee. Running five-on-five with his friends helps Obama takes his mind off running for the Oval Office and his one-on-one battle against Mitt Romney. No word on whether "sport" aficionado Romney plans to saddle up his Olympic horse and play polo.

That's Raceist

Despite the damage of Sandy, which you may have caught commissioner Stern calling "Katrina" during the championship ring ceremony, the New York Marathon will go on Sunday, as planned. And the Meadowlands will welcome fans when the Giants host the Steelers later that afternoon. Yet the Nets and Knicks, scheduled to play yesterday in an unveiling of the billion-dollar Barclays Center, had their game postponed until November 26, at Mayor Michael Bloomberg's urging.

Due to gentrification, people in Brooklyn may no longer be treated like second-class citizens compared to their moneyed Manhattan mates, but sports still are. Holding the other athletic events in the wake of the hurricane is Bloomberg's dumbest decision since taking a hard-line on the size of soft drinks*. Doesn't the mayor have more important matters to tend to than keeping tabs on tall tumblers of Tab? However, the mayor's mind is made up, so we just hope the subways are running before the marathoners are.

*a Coke Zero-tolerance policy, if you will.

Allow Themselves to Introduce...Themselves

A trio of intros from the second night of the season, with a nod to Austin Powers, but not to Austin Rivers (1-for-9 shooting):

1. Take a brow bow, Anthony Davis. The first overall pick showed defense isn't the only dimension of his game by dropping 21 points. However, last year's NCAA leader in swatted shots had only one block and couldn't block the path of the tireless Tim Duncan, who recorded a game-high 24 points. To the deft Duncan, the rook was a mere pawn.

2. Before last night, you probably thought Trailblazers guard Damian Lillard was Matthew Lillard's cousin. Lillard, the pride of Weber State* (which is not Chris Webber's alma mater) and the sixth selection in the draft, totaled 22 points and 11 assists in Portland's victory, but he did maybe more damage inadvertently, when Steve Nash ran into the rookie and hurt his left leg. It turns out athlete Lillard has something in common with actor Lillard: he too made people Scream in fear.

3. James Harden has said that heading to Houston a handful of days ago from Oklahoma City was a "whirlwind." How appropriate that he went on to blow by the Pistons like a hirsute hurricane. Harden had a career-high 12 assists to complement 37 points, 6 boards, 4 steals and a block in Houston's win. Only three players in the past quarter-century can show off a similar stat line: Jordan, Bird and Dwyane Wade. Those weren't the only eye-catching numbers attributed to Harden on Wednesday, as he agreed to an $80 million extension. Best of all was the Linterplay between Harden and his backcourt buddy, Jeremy Lin, who produced 12 points, 8 assists and 4 steals. We predict they'll make as many connections as LinkedIn.

*which we wish Emmanuel Lewis would buy and rename Webster State.