Friday, June 20, 2014

Ultrasound Bite

Many were expecting LeBron to deliver another championship, now his spouse is expecting to deliver a baby. There won't be time to brood over the blowouts because his brood is broadening. Pat Riley divulged Thursday - breaking the news, but not her water - that James' wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl.

The couple have two boys, so LeBron will soon have produced more tykes than titles. The only rings he'll be holding in the coming months are teething rings. We hope she carries the child for as many months as LeBron carried the Heat this season* - and doesn't experience any incapacitating cramps.

*during the Finals, his teammates assumed the fetal position

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Fisher's Price

After appearing to have Steve Kerr on the hook, but failing to reel him in, Phil Jackson cast his bait* towards a candidate easier to lure. The Zen Master isn't much of a fisherman, but he is a Fisher man. Here's the catch with his catch: Fisher has never coached a single second at any level. That didn't deter James Dolan from doling out $5 million a year for him, an amount Fisher earned annually only four times during his 18-year career. Incredibly, that high salary is actually market price, since it matches Kerr's contract, but considering it's a mere 1 mill. less than Gregg Popovich is paid, the money makes him a goldfish.

Fisher will be swimming upstream, similar to a salmon, fighting against the current, to keep the current Knicks afloat^. Hall of Famer Larry Brown lasted a lone season in NYC, so Fisher could easily flounder.

"Fancy" that: Ah, Young love. Lakers guard Nick Young and Australian chart-climbing chanteuse Iggy Azalea are an item. Look for her second single soon: "Swaggy."

He'll "Save" it - in his trapper keeper: Those who enjoy 1990s nostalgia will Screech with delight at a present Chris Paul was given for his birthday in May: a personalized picture from Tiffani Thiessen as her character Kelly Kapowski on Saved by the Bell, in which her hair is as feathery as Paul's jump shot. We bet he was Bayside himself with joy over the gift. Cliff Paul would recommend insuring the memento, but how do you determine the value of an object that's priceless?

*thankfully, he didn't use "The Worm"

^Knicks and salmon alike should watch out for ravenous Grizzlies

Monday, June 16, 2014

Game of Dethrone

The Spurs didn't produce a point until over three-and-a-half minutes had elapsed in Game 5, at which time they were down by 8 points. After another three-and-a-half minutes, the deficit had doubled to 16. Tony Parker was scoreless until 15 seconds left in the third quarter. Danny Green missed all of his attempts. None of that impeded the path of the poised and persistent Spurs - and neither did the Heat, who got rolled like a quesarito, which after countless commercials, we crave as much as the Spurs did a championship*.

Speaking of dining, the Spurs showed revenge is a dish best served piping hot, as San Antonio averaged 52.8% shooting for the series, a Finals record, connecting on no less than 46.2% in a single game. When any Spurs player released the ball, we swear the spinning sphere went from reading "Spalding" across its surface to "Scalding." A pack of pepper pickers don't have this many hot hands.

The trio of Kawhi Leonard, Manu Ginobli and Patty Mills, heretofore known as the "medium three," made sure history didn't repeat (or threepeat) itself. Leonard was the Spurs of the moment, tallying his third consecutive game of 20+ points and his second straight double-double. The imperturbable Leonard was an improbable, yet impressive MVP, but his breakout signals he's ready to take up the mantle and now he has an honor to put up on his mantle. Patty Mills was Aussie-some, nailing five threes to nail the coffin shut. The Heat spent the third period chasing Mills, who racked up 14 of his 17 points. They might as well have been chasing windmills. The man from down under kept the Heat who were down, while the Spurs had things under control. Tony Parker had resumed his Cirque de Soleil act by the fourth quarter. Along with the Australian, it was also the Argentine's time to shine. Ginobli was half-Manu, half-amazing, amassing 19 points, making baskets from angles even a geometer would gawk at. He and his tenacious teammates made redemption appear to be Manufest destiny.

Early indications pointed to a blowout and they were correct, just not for the club that controlled the first eight minutes of the contest. The Spurs station wagon engine took a little time to warm up, but once it did it was humming like a sports car (as San Antonio supporters starting humming a specific Queen song to the deposed King James - or at least they should've). Suddenly, the Ford was overtaking the Ferrari. The Spurs held the Heat to 11 points in the second quarter and after allowing 17 first quarter points to LeBron, limited him to 14 through the remaining three. Wade, Bosh and Allen, were exposed as non-shooting stars, going 11-34 from the field. If James had hung a "Help Wanted" sign on the back of his jersey at halftime, we would've understood. LeBron had said the Heat possessed "championship DNA," but we didn't detect a single strand of it throughout the series, which was bafflingly one basket from being a sweep^. No one needed a microscope to notice the Spurs were superior (not genetically, just generally).

Sunday was Father's Day, but it was also Pop's day. Ditto for Tim Duncan, who bounced back from a devastating defeat even better than a divorce. You have to hand it to the cerebral, consistent Hall of Fame coach and center, who now have a handful of rings apiece. We know the duo aren't demonstrative, but we believe on this occasion, Kawhi-fives are in order.

*it took the Spurs less time to go through the Heat than it will for Taco Bell's fascinating, fabricated foodstuff to go through your bowels; it's best to trust the system to take care of it - the digestive system

^as the jock geneticists say, "you win some, you chromosome."

Friday, June 13, 2014

Passing Through

If Tim Duncan's Final prediction comes to pass, it will be because the Spurs came to pass. The way the Spurs play is no passing fancy, although they do some fancy passing. Pinpoint, too. They thread the needle like a team of talented tailors. They spot every seam in the defense (and the Heat's has more holes than moth-munched mohair) and, subsequently, are one win away from sewing up the series and fitting their fingers for rings. They're showing they aren't as buttoned-down as the press portrays them. The Heat, who were caught with their fly down in game 3, didn't zip it up in game 4, either. sse defense has more holes than moth-munched mohair, have folded like a beach chair. Down 3-1, a deficit never overcome in the Finals, parachute pants have a better chance of coming back than them (maybe those would halt the Heat's free fall).

The spotlight-shirking Spurs surely didn't go clubbing while in Miami, but they did club the Heat twice over two nights. They were right at home inside American Airlines Arena and now they get to go home to try to clinch a championship. In an encore, Leonard again supplied the Kawhighlights, providing 20 points and 14 rebounds. Gloria Estefan's presence wasn't enough to turn the beating around*. Not to (Ney)mar another nation, but Miami looked as unprepared to host a crucial competition as Brazil*.

The Spurs have better balance than a tightrope walker, but instead of no net, it's nothing but net, since they shot 57% in game 4 and are averaging 54% from the floor in the Finals. The most skilled player in the 305 - and all area codes - can't overcome the most skilled starting five in The Association. Aside from Pat Riley's pompadour, the Heat haven't encountered anything this well-oiled (barring bodybuilders on the boardwalk).

Sorry soccer, but basketball is the true beautiful game^. The Spurs are athletics as art and the court is their canvas. This is the closest sports comes to sonnets, symphonies and sculptures. A coach-composed opera; a Popera. Duncan, Parker and Ginobli aren't the "Big Three," but they may be the "Three Tenors" (what do you mean that nickname is already taken?).


*so far, it's been the Miami soundly defeated machine

^we'll grant that Nene is no Pele

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Hyperbole and a First Half

The initial 24 minutes of Game 3 was a high-scoring affair for the Spurs. It was also a Kawhi scoring one. Floyd Mayweather and Mike Tyson were in attendance and they witnessed the hoops equivalent of a haymaker. From the outset, Kawhi Leonard was slugging as strongly as Sugar Ray Leonard, knocking down his first six shots and knocking the Heat up against the ropes (which were velvet, since this is Miami).

Leonard, whose primary purpose is to stick to LeBron James like a barnacle, actually outscored him, contributing a career-best 29 points, including 16 in the Spurs 41-point first quarter flurry. San Antonio almost equaled its Game 1, fourth period points-producing perfection in the first quarter, then prolonged its prolific pace into quarter number two, ultimately setting a Finals record for shooting percentage. Yes, the Spurs were hotter than the bikini beauties sunbathing on South Beach. No matter who hoisted it or from where, the ball kept going in for the Spurs and soon everyone saw the Heat were in for a extensive and excruciating evening. Mike Breen bellowed "bang" more frequently than if he was narrating a fourth of July fireworks display*.

The scoreboard showed 71 points on 75.8% shooting for San Antonio by the time Sage Steele and her distinct 'do^ came onscreen. Down 21 at the break, Miami wasn't in a hole so much as a crater. If every man's home is his (sand)castle, then Leonard and his mates kicked Miami's over. The Heat, who never came closer than within seven, couldn't rebuild because the bucket belonged to the Spurs. Every bucket did Tuesday night.

This was definitely the Kawhigh point in Leonard's three years as a pro, yet he wasn't on the podium afterwards to meet with the media. Proof that Popovich doesn't put his people on a pedestal. No matter, if they keep playing this way, we will.


*if we hear Mark Jackson jabber, "hand down, man down" one more time, we're turning the sound down

^the Heat had more kinks to work out than if she were straightening her hair

Monday, June 9, 2014

A Fluids Situation

Trainers had to haul LeBron from the floor in Game 1; his teammates should've carried him off the court in celebration following his fantastic Game 2. Immobile on Thursday, he was back to being invulnerable Sunday, demonstrating that the person most capable of stopping James, short of a sneaky San Antonio-area HVAC repairman, is himself. This time, LeBron's lower body didn't lock up on him and no opponent locked down on him, either.

James played five more minutes in this contest and scored 10 additional points, finishing with 35 and, more importantly, finishing the game. He attended a yoga class 12 hours before tip-off and perhaps that extra stretching allowed him to be available down(ward dog) the stretch.

Subject to second-guessing on social media over his conditioning* and hydration habits (a certain lightning-bolted beverage didn't hurry to his ade^), James argued he's an easy target (and he does get needled as much as an acupuncture patient), yet he was on target last night, accurate on 72% of his attempts through the final three quarters. Still, LeBron has lots of defenders. Now, the Spurs need to find one who plays for them.

*better to have a calves controversy than a Cavs one

^it was a Riptide Rush to judgement

Friday, June 6, 2014

Home, Sweat Home

For one night, the At&T Center in San Antonio doubled as C+C Music Factory because, if you were within it, the building was gonna make you sweat. The air conditioning was out of service and, as a result, so was LeBron James during the decisive fourth quarter. It was a capacity crowd, but everyone would agree the venue could've used more fans.

The arena kept getting hotter and the Spurs shooting followed suit, basically burning up the basket by swishing a scorching 14 of 16 from the floor in the fourth, including a flawless and flaming 6-6 on three-pointers. That wasn't even the most impressive (thermo)stat of the night: Tim Duncan's field goal percentage, 90, was equal to that of the temperature inside the gym.

The increase in degrees increased the degree of difficulty in playing for LeBron, who had to be carried off with cramps with 3:59 remaining, after exiting earlier in the final frame at the 7:31 mark. He could only watch and wince while the game was on the line, which brought a new meaning to the phrase "warming the bench." James, who finished with 25 points, was hot and bothered by the climate conditions, leaving for the locker room with time left in the game. 15-4 and 16-3 Spurs spurts stemmed from James sitting on the sidelines. An electrical problem revealed an inconvenient truth: The Heat were done-in by the heat.

Perhaps speaking to a trend of global warming, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobil pointed out that plenty of parquets in Europe are absent of AC. As usual, Gregg Popovich had the best (power) line, "Hopefully we can pay our bills [by Game 2 on Sunday]," coach cracked. Preferably in cold, hard cash.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

A Rematch Made in Heaven

San Antonio and Miami are ready to run it back and for fans of the franchise and basketball buffs alike, it's a case of many happy returns. If the faces in this face-off look familiar, that's because one year removed from a terrific tilt, the fundamental Spurs and the flashy Heat are competing in the Finals a second straight season. This showdown is a sequel audiences actually want to watch (think of it as Days of Future Recent Past).

The story lines for the series are straightforward: for the Spurs, it's a chance for redemption, after the title slipped through their fingers last season, like the Larry O'Brien trophy was carved out of soap; for the Heat, it's an opportunity to be distinguished as a dynasty by winning three in a row, or over one-third of the way toward fulfilling LeBron's ambitious assertion (and for Pat Riley to sell some sheets*). Who cares whether California Chrome will win the triple crown, we want to know whether King James will be crowned thrice or if Tim Duncan will be telling teammates, "give me five," after capturing championship number five.

How the Heat win: Bosh rebounds and plays in the post periodically, Allen gets free and hits threes, Anderson protects the paint, Chalmers and Cole are careful with the ball, Wade doesn't wear down or settle for outside shots, James is selfish in spots and does the heavy lifting himself down the stretch, if Oden behaves on the bench how his Buckeyes buddy suggested.

How the Spurs win: Parker suffers no setbacks with his ailing ankle, Belinelli and Mills match Allen's makes, Diaw sets up his squadmates, Leonard uses his length to leak out on fastbreaks and limit LeBron on offense, Duncan demands the ball, Ginobili gets in a groove, if Bonner resumes his web series and eats hot dogs with Snoop Dogg.

It took seven to settle it before and the same sum will be needed, but the Spurs have home court advantage this time and that alone will be the deciding factor in an otherwise even encounter (it'll be National Spelling Bee contest-close, you have our word^). Cue coach Popovich popping open the champagne (and, in a gracious gesture, aiming the cork away from Heather Cox's cornea) and Duncan being uncharacteristically bubbly as he has bubbly poured over him.

*his money is on top of the mattress, not underneath it
^if the teams are tied at the end of regulation in Game 7, instead of overtime, whoever spells "Tiago" and Kawhi" correctly will be declared the winner


Tuesday, June 3, 2014

NBA (B)Allmer Day

It what seemed like a microsecond, The Association on Friday approved former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer's $2 billion-dollar bid to buy the L.A. Clippers - or double the sum Donald Sterling's attorney announced earlier that day he's suing the league for. A certain company's operating systems take more time to load than it took Shelly Sterling to unload the club ahead of a board of governors vote. The financial matter became one of grey matter, as Donald Sterling's estranged wife acquired the authority to auction off the franchise by becoming the sole trustee, after he was declared to be "mentally incompetent" by neurologists*, but maybe those doctors should assess Ballmer, since he's shelling out the second-most money for a pro team ever on the continent (a few Dodger dogs shy of the record) and almost quadruple the amount paid for the previous highest-selling NBA franchise. It became clear no other individual was going to (ahem) Surface ahead of today's deadline who would offer that much.

Donald Sterling's beliefs may be backward and biased^, but he never thought that Zune could overtake the iPod. For comparison, Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen possesses NBA, NFL and MLS organizations for a total of $294 million, meaning he's a much Sounder(s) investor.

Still, we give Ballmer credit for seeing his Window(s) of opportunity and seizing it^. He practically jumped at the chance to own the Clippers - and practically jumping is a special skill of Ballmer's (buy high, jump low. Luckily, he can leave the leaping to Blake Griffin from now on.
Microsoft-sell

*which all seems shadier than a park full of palm trees
^and if Sterling was hit hard by this, he still wasn't hit as hard as his former flame