LeBron James is endorsing a new burger for McDonald's*, the bacon clubhouse. We wonder what the players in his clubhouse think about him hawking a hamburger. Are they lovin' or loathin' it? Is Birdman hopeful he can ink a deal with Red Robin? Do Wade and Bosh feel less special (sauce) now that they're no longer part of The Big (Mac) Three? LeBron should keep in mind that Five Guys aren't needed to build a burger, but they are to build a basketball team.
Sleek Mills: One man who want be mulling over the menu at Mickey D's is Patty Mills. According to Gregg Popovich, Mills gained playing time by losing weight. The guard wasn't in for as many minutes last season because coach carped, "he was a little fat ass." How'd he part with those pounds? All it took was fewer patty melts.
A mute point: In contrast to being criticized by his coach, Chris Kaman hasn't heard a discouraging word from Mike D'Antoni - or any words, for that matter. Three weeks have elapsed since the two talked, Kaman confessed to the press. So a hush has fallen over more than the crowd at Staples Center. In fact, Kaman learned he was starting last Tuesday by looking at the lineup card. "I'm not in charge, I don't control the wheels," Kaman conceded. This season has shown that the wheels on the Jim Buss go 'round and 'round, but they're stuck in the same spot. At least that's our spin on the situation.
*it's how he pays for his mcmansion
Monday, March 31, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Streets of Failadelphia
The 1972-73 Flyers were The Broad Street Bullies; the 2013-14 76ers are the Broad Street Bullied. The 76ers - let's call them the 26ers - are one loss from inept immortality. We've seen less stiffs in morgues than on this shoddy sixers squad. The bottom has fallen out, starkly symbolized by Tony Wroten's sneaker splitting*. The season has been both sole-shredding and soul-shredding.
However, even if their equipment is ripped, the players don't deserve to be ripped nearly as much as the GM. What the front office has foisted on fans has been an affront to The Association. Unlike the slide in Washington state, this one is entirely man-made - make that management-made. The white flag has been waving atop the Wells Fargo center all winter. They've turned tanking into an art, if you consider finger-painting by adults art (they're using only their middle finger).
Coach Brett Brown was handed the keys to a car, which had its brake lines cut and its GPS pre-programmed to go straight into the Schuylkill River. At the trade deadline, the steering wheel was removed. He stands not at the Y in the road where cheesesteak chapels Pat's and Geno's are catty-corner, but at the "why?" between his pleasant past and his pathetic present. To put it in perspective, the Spurs, Brown's ex-employer, have won as many games consecutively as the Sixers have all season: 15. It's a culture shock that might require electroshock therapy. But before Brown throws himself a pity party, we'll point out that things aren't as awful as they appear - at least he doesn't coach the Bucks^.
*to be fair, he was wearing Tear Jordans
^yes, we found a reason for him to be sunny in Philadelphia
However, even if their equipment is ripped, the players don't deserve to be ripped nearly as much as the GM. What the front office has foisted on fans has been an affront to The Association. Unlike the slide in Washington state, this one is entirely man-made - make that management-made. The white flag has been waving atop the Wells Fargo center all winter. They've turned tanking into an art, if you consider finger-painting by adults art (they're using only their middle finger).
Coach Brett Brown was handed the keys to a car, which had its brake lines cut and its GPS pre-programmed to go straight into the Schuylkill River. At the trade deadline, the steering wheel was removed. He stands not at the Y in the road where cheesesteak chapels Pat's and Geno's are catty-corner, but at the "why?" between his pleasant past and his pathetic present. To put it in perspective, the Spurs, Brown's ex-employer, have won as many games consecutively as the Sixers have all season: 15. It's a culture shock that might require electroshock therapy. But before Brown throws himself a pity party, we'll point out that things aren't as awful as they appear - at least he doesn't coach the Bucks^.
*to be fair, he was wearing Tear Jordans
^yes, we found a reason for him to be sunny in Philadelphia
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Nicked at Nite
The Lakers can't catch a break this season. They can't catch a break-in, either. As of Sunday, Swaggy P's house has a lot less swag in it. While Nick Young was filling the basket, producing 26 points in an L.A. win, someone was emptying his home.
His residence was robbed of roughly $100K worth of goods. Jewelry, clothing, computers, luggage and shoes were stolen. Among his most prized possessions pilfered was a rare pair of Nikes designed by Kanye West, Air Yeezy 2 Red October, the re-sale value of which can reach the thousands. The only worth more over-inflated than those kicks is Kanye's himself.
If this story of an athlete in The Association having his stuff swiped sounds familiar, it's because Chris Bosh was burgled almost a year ago, which had to bum out the birthday boy. The heat he needed were police, not players.
"I'm going to have to get a guard dog or something," Young playfully proposed. Perhaps a basset could protect his assets. However, the choice canine to bring his belongings back is a retriever (let the hunt for his Red Octobers begin!).
*he had only one turnover in 31 minutes, so his ball security was much better than his home security
His residence was robbed of roughly $100K worth of goods. Jewelry, clothing, computers, luggage and shoes were stolen. Among his most prized possessions pilfered was a rare pair of Nikes designed by Kanye West, Air Yeezy 2 Red October, the re-sale value of which can reach the thousands. The only worth more over-inflated than those kicks is Kanye's himself.
If this story of an athlete in The Association having his stuff swiped sounds familiar, it's because Chris Bosh was burgled almost a year ago, which had to bum out the birthday boy. The heat he needed were police, not players.
"I'm going to have to get a guard dog or something," Young playfully proposed. Perhaps a basset could protect his assets. However, the choice canine to bring his belongings back is a retriever (let the hunt for his Red Octobers begin!).
*he had only one turnover in 31 minutes, so his ball security was much better than his home security
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Quite an App-etite
Shaq is filling up on apps - but he's storing them in his smartphone, not his stomach. In an interview with The Wall Street Journal, The Big Gigabyte estimates he spends $1,000 a week on downloads for his devices*. That's enough Candy Crush to give a tablet a (blue)toothache. His latest obsession is deer hunting games, so he has been shelling out big bucks to bag big bucks, virtually.
How can his tech hold all that software? His hard drive has to be larger than he is. Shaq was an early investor in Google, so he shifted from Blue Chips to microchips awhile ago.
*surely, the star of Kazaam uses Shazam
How can his tech hold all that software? His hard drive has to be larger than he is. Shaq was an early investor in Google, so he shifted from Blue Chips to microchips awhile ago.
*surely, the star of Kazaam uses Shazam
Monday, March 24, 2014
LeBron's Gone Soft (Drink)
LeBron James is always in the limelight, but he's about be in the lemon-limelight. James worked with sponsor Sprite to concoct a carbonation creation called 6Mix*, which adds cherry and orange fruit flavors to the regular recipe. No word on whether the King employed a royal taster in the production process or if the soda will be sold in Cleveland (although, in anticipation, we've crafted a cocktail Dan Gilbert is guaranteed to gulp: James' 6Mix + Jameson. We call it a Whiskey Sourpuss.).
6Mix will only be available for a limited time, so don't expect James to become the King of Pop. Unless shoppers buy the beverage in bulk, meaning: not one, not two, not three, not four, not five not six, not seven...bottles at a time.
We think LeBron should debut the drink in the locker room; perhaps the product will prevent the Heat, who have lost six of their last ten games, from fizzling out as the season's end approaches. In order to succeed, neither the Heat nor 6Mix can come out flat.
*that ought to shake up 7Up
6Mix will only be available for a limited time, so don't expect James to become the King of Pop. Unless shoppers buy the beverage in bulk, meaning: not one, not two, not three, not four, not five not six, not seven...bottles at a time.
We think LeBron should debut the drink in the locker room; perhaps the product will prevent the Heat, who have lost six of their last ten games, from fizzling out as the season's end approaches. In order to succeed, neither the Heat nor 6Mix can come out flat.
*that ought to shake up 7Up
Friday, March 21, 2014
Full-Court Prez
The lousy Lakers could use a wing player and Kobe Bryant has one from the West Wing in mind. If Barack Obama wants to take a break from Capitol Hill*, he has the ability to hoop with Jordan Hill and the Lakers, according to Kobe, who says POTUS is sufficiently skilled to suit up for the squad^ (he'd shift from sitting between two ferns to two scrubs on the pine). Kobe compared the country's current Commander-in-Chief to former Washington Bullet Michael Adams. As an athlete that's acceptable, since Adams was a one-time All-Star, but as a President, there are other Adams you'd aim to be alongside.
We can hear his pre-game introduction now: At guard, 6'1", in his sixth year, from Harvard, number 44, the flyin' Hawaiian...
Before Obama leaves the Oval Office for a rectangular court (which is not what Michelle meant by Let's Move!), there are pros and cons to consider. He'd still be dealing with something orange that can be hard to handle, but it would be a basketball, instead of Boehner. Another German citizen, Chris Kaman, would be eager to take a selfie with him. The only shutdown he'd have to avoid would come from defenders, not Congress. Still, taking charge isn't the same as taking a charge and if a player put him on a poster, this time the caption would change (possibly to "Nope"). What's worse, we think he would have his shot blocked more often than his legislation (or his appointees).
*beyond taking time to film a fake interview and fill out his college basketball bracket
^so are his secret service agents because if you can protect the President, you can protect the paint
We can hear his pre-game introduction now: At guard, 6'1", in his sixth year, from Harvard, number 44, the flyin' Hawaiian...
Before Obama leaves the Oval Office for a rectangular court (which is not what Michelle meant by Let's Move!), there are pros and cons to consider. He'd still be dealing with something orange that can be hard to handle, but it would be a basketball, instead of Boehner. Another German citizen, Chris Kaman, would be eager to take a selfie with him. The only shutdown he'd have to avoid would come from defenders, not Congress. Still, taking charge isn't the same as taking a charge and if a player put him on a poster, this time the caption would change (possibly to "Nope"). What's worse, we think he would have his shot blocked more often than his legislation (or his appointees).
*beyond taking time to film a fake interview and fill out his college basketball bracket
^so are his secret service agents because if you can protect the President, you can protect the paint
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Position Philed
New Jack City has become Phil Jackson's new city, which is really his old, original city. Jackson, who was drafted by the Knicks and played there for 10 seasons, was named the team's president today. The man with more rings than Tiffany's was on the roster when the franchise won its only two titles and will be tasked with turning this club into a championship contender. That's a tall and time-consuming order; similar to scaling a skyscraper by stairs. And Jackson is accustomed to riding the elite elevator as a coach, taking shortcuts to the top in form of powerhouse (powermansion, even) pairs Pippen & Jordan and Shaq & Kobe. Jackson is stepping up to the challenge, just as Carmelo Anthony might be stepping out for good.
This season, the Knicks have been frequently flattened like pizza dough^ - and players such as Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith have shot enough bricks to build an oven. If he were to immediately implement the triangle with this group of guys, it would be scalene. Jackson, who signed a five-year contract, has no experience as an executive, so although his fondness for Eastern philosophy is well-known, his philosophy on the Eastern Conference is unknown. It remains to be seen whether he can cultivate Madison Square Garden into a zen garden.
*if that turns out to be true, then Jackson really stepped in it
^fitting, as Jackson can be crusty
This season, the Knicks have been frequently flattened like pizza dough^ - and players such as Iman Shumpert and J.R. Smith have shot enough bricks to build an oven. If he were to immediately implement the triangle with this group of guys, it would be scalene. Jackson, who signed a five-year contract, has no experience as an executive, so although his fondness for Eastern philosophy is well-known, his philosophy on the Eastern Conference is unknown. It remains to be seen whether he can cultivate Madison Square Garden into a zen garden.
*if that turns out to be true, then Jackson really stepped in it
^fitting, as Jackson can be crusty
Monday, March 17, 2014
Nash for (Purple and) Gold
Money is a major motivator, especially when that number is north of nine and a half million dollars for a year's work. That's a lot of cabbage, even for a vegan like Steve Nash, who intends to collect on his contract. "The reality is, I'm not going to retire because I want the money," he told Grantland, which strangely isn't a site dedicated to Horace and Harvey Grant.
Cash clearly registers with Nash, so he'll play 'til he's emptied the till. Nash has earned $137 mill. over the course of his career - you know, pocket money*. That's a nice nest egg - or a dozen of them (organic and cage-free, of course).
By being an athlete who actually admitted that moolah mattered, Nash deposited a reality check in our memory bank. Is it unreasonable that a man who distributed dimes for 18 years wants all of those owed to him?
Putting the 'pride' in "Celtic pride": Jared Sullivan says in a three-week period beginning in late January he viewed the 1994 Disney film The Lion King 14 times^. For Sullinger, it's the Circle of No Life.
Cut it out, guys: The 76ers rebuilding might make some want to jump off a building. However, suffering twenty straight setbacks doesn't mean all is lost. "This is not slit-your-wrist time," coach Brett Brown, who has been saddled with sending his squad on this season-long suicide mission, insisted. Perhaps, but the knot-the-noose moment is nigh, since the Sixers have shown they can't hang with anyone.
*his closet contains only cargo pants.
^where did he watch the movie? in his den, naturally.
Cash clearly registers with Nash, so he'll play 'til he's emptied the till. Nash has earned $137 mill. over the course of his career - you know, pocket money*. That's a nice nest egg - or a dozen of them (organic and cage-free, of course).
By being an athlete who actually admitted that moolah mattered, Nash deposited a reality check in our memory bank. Is it unreasonable that a man who distributed dimes for 18 years wants all of those owed to him?
Putting the 'pride' in "Celtic pride": Jared Sullivan says in a three-week period beginning in late January he viewed the 1994 Disney film The Lion King 14 times^. For Sullinger, it's the Circle of No Life.
Cut it out, guys: The 76ers rebuilding might make some want to jump off a building. However, suffering twenty straight setbacks doesn't mean all is lost. "This is not slit-your-wrist time," coach Brett Brown, who has been saddled with sending his squad on this season-long suicide mission, insisted. Perhaps, but the knot-the-noose moment is nigh, since the Sixers have shown they can't hang with anyone.
*his closet contains only cargo pants.
^where did he watch the movie? in his den, naturally.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
L.A. Weakly
A dark cloud has hung over the Lakers all season and for once, we're sure it's not smog. A day after Kobe Bryant was declared done for the season, so was Steve Nash. The sum of games played this season for the decommissioned duo was a sour 16: 6 for Bryant, 10 for Nash. Nash's body seemed to be decomposing daily, while between battling back from the torn left Achilles and the fractured left knee, the only the cobra the Black Mamba could be concerned about was the health insurance.
Los Angeles, 20 games below .500 and second from the bottom in the West, has been reduced to Loss Angeles, with the the worst and widest one in franchise history - 12 Years a Slave didn't have whippings that severe - coming courtesy of their intracity competitors last Thursday*. That disastrous defeat demonstrated that neither the meek, nor Jodie Meeks (despite scoring a career-high 42 points on Sunday), shall inherit the Earth. Mike D'Antoni's request to keep problems in-house has limitations when you share a stadium with a team that has more than double your total victories.
The team traded one Blake (Steve) only to be trounced by another (Griffin). Swaggy P was shortened to Saggy P, so difficult are w's to come by currently. L.A. is notorious for eating its Young and Nick will be no exception. Management has constantly and casually offer Pau Gasol like he's tapas. It's enough for supporters to scream, "Robert Sacrebleu!" Forget Phil Jackson - who by all reports has accepted a front office position with the Knicks - and running the triangle, those who love the Lakers just want this team to stop running in circles.
*Blake Griffin may be red-headed, but he's no step-child.
Los Angeles, 20 games below .500 and second from the bottom in the West, has been reduced to Loss Angeles, with the the worst and widest one in franchise history - 12 Years a Slave didn't have whippings that severe - coming courtesy of their intracity competitors last Thursday*. That disastrous defeat demonstrated that neither the meek, nor Jodie Meeks (despite scoring a career-high 42 points on Sunday), shall inherit the Earth. Mike D'Antoni's request to keep problems in-house has limitations when you share a stadium with a team that has more than double your total victories.
The team traded one Blake (Steve) only to be trounced by another (Griffin). Swaggy P was shortened to Saggy P, so difficult are w's to come by currently. L.A. is notorious for eating its Young and Nick will be no exception. Management has constantly and casually offer Pau Gasol like he's tapas. It's enough for supporters to scream, "Robert Sacrebleu!" Forget Phil Jackson - who by all reports has accepted a front office position with the Knicks - and running the triangle, those who love the Lakers just want this team to stop running in circles.
*Blake Griffin may be red-headed, but he's no step-child.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Put it on Ice
Marcin Gortat, whose pop popped people for a living as a boxer, thinks hoops should should share a similarity with hockey and support fighting. The Polish Hammer wants players to have the chance to hammer out their differences, a suggestion that strikes us as savage (we can already picture J.R. Smith pulling a sleeved jersey over his opponent's head as they square off* and LeBron flopping as soon as someone swings within a few feet of his face). "Quick, 15-20 seconds, throw a few punches, then referees jump in and break this thing up," he proposes. He thinks it would be a hit with fans. We'd rather watch players fly than fists. Based on his basketbrawl idea, we're giving him new nickname: Goro-tat.
He hates black ice more than most: Minnesota Rep. Pat Garofalo opened his big(ot) mouth Sunday when the twit tweeted that if 70% of teams in the league folded the only visible effect would be a rise in crime. Because if there's one portion of the population who refrain from wrongdoing it's politicians. He also accused The Association of having a lax drug policy. Too bad that dope didn't know the NBA tests for marijuana more times per year than the other three major North American leagues. We hope voters weed out the loutish lawmaker this fall when he's up for reelection, but this is the state that has elected a pro wrestler and an SNL scribe. "I don't have a racist bone in my body," he insisted. That's doubtful. We're betting his friends and Twitter followers are just like his bones: all white.
*Mike Woodson wishes there was a penalty box he could send Smith to.
He hates black ice more than most: Minnesota Rep. Pat Garofalo opened his big(ot) mouth Sunday when the twit tweeted that if 70% of teams in the league folded the only visible effect would be a rise in crime. Because if there's one portion of the population who refrain from wrongdoing it's politicians. He also accused The Association of having a lax drug policy. Too bad that dope didn't know the NBA tests for marijuana more times per year than the other three major North American leagues. We hope voters weed out the loutish lawmaker this fall when he's up for reelection, but this is the state that has elected a pro wrestler and an SNL scribe. "I don't have a racist bone in my body," he insisted. That's doubtful. We're betting his friends and Twitter followers are just like his bones: all white.
*Mike Woodson wishes there was a penalty box he could send Smith to.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Shaqtin' a Fu
Before Neo knew kung fu, Shaquille O'Neal mastered the martial art - at least the pixilated version of him. The year was 1994 and thanks to the success of Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, one-on-one fighting games were all the (Primal) Rage. So was Shaq, who jump-kicked at the chance to roundhouse in his Reeboks. Thus, Shaq Fu was spawned. The game was slammed harder than Shaq ever did and internet reviewers revel in ripping it two decades later.
Contrary to popular belief and belittlement, it was far from the worst video game ever or even of its era. In fact, it wasn't even the worst title produced by Electronic Arts starring a basketball player in an action role released that year. That dubious distinction belongs to Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. Still, there is no doubt EA 16-bit off more than it could chew. Considering the plot involved sending Shaq to another dimension, the cartridge had little depth.
At any rate, Shaq is baq, but only on the PC (not Maq). However, he won't raise his fists a second time without first raising some money. A crowdfunding campaign began yesterday, on the Big Sensei's birthday. The developers are attempting to collect $450,000 in 45 days and they're so close to their goal - just $415,000 shy. There are perks for contributing your cash, such as having your face placed in the game ($2K), lunch and pickup hoops at Shaq's house ($15K) and the reward de resistance: sitting in on a taping of the TNT studio show with everyone's favorite, fun-loving foursome*.
Shaq swears, by not swearing, that "this time we won't fu it up." His promise remind us of an ancient Chinese proverb: Fu us once, Shaq, shame on you; fu us twice, shame on us.
*one prize we know will remain unclaimed is courtside seats to a Kings game. $3K should get you a roster spot.
Contrary to popular belief and belittlement, it was far from the worst video game ever or even of its era. In fact, it wasn't even the worst title produced by Electronic Arts starring a basketball player in an action role released that year. That dubious distinction belongs to Michael Jordan: Chaos in the Windy City. Still, there is no doubt EA 16-bit off more than it could chew. Considering the plot involved sending Shaq to another dimension, the cartridge had little depth.
At any rate, Shaq is baq, but only on the PC (not Maq). However, he won't raise his fists a second time without first raising some money. A crowdfunding campaign began yesterday, on the Big Sensei's birthday. The developers are attempting to collect $450,000 in 45 days and they're so close to their goal - just $415,000 shy. There are perks for contributing your cash, such as having your face placed in the game ($2K), lunch and pickup hoops at Shaq's house ($15K) and the reward de resistance: sitting in on a taping of the TNT studio show with everyone's favorite, fun-loving foursome*.
Shaq swears, by not swearing, that "this time we won't fu it up." His promise remind us of an ancient Chinese proverb: Fu us once, Shaq, shame on you; fu us twice, shame on us.
*one prize we know will remain unclaimed is courtside seats to a Kings game. $3K should get you a roster spot.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Stand Back, He's Going to Hurl
Tracy McGrady is attempting a second sports career as a pitcher. That's right, T-Mac has taken up T-Ball, trying out for the Sugar Land Skeeters (who put the 'fly in "fly ball"), an independent team in Texas. Roger Clemens is instructing him*, so that means "The Rocket" is teaching the former Rocket. McGrady is working on a second pitch, so in time he could have the best splitter not named Tiago. In his quest to become a baseball player, we hope McGrady doesn't strike out - except, of course, the batters he faces.
Nobody Loves Raymond: Raymond Felton turned himself in to police last week for owning an unregistered gun, which was brought to the attention of authorities by Felton's wife, who recently filed for divorce. There was no fear of him firing the weapon, since it's common knowledge that Felton, who's making only 40.3% of his field goals this season, can't shoot. When Felton posted bond, it marked the first time this season a player other than Carmelo Anthony bailed the Knicks out.
Tanks for the memories: The 76ers, who should be sponsored by Subway, since they didn't earn "FebruANY" wins in a short month that felt so (foot)long (the march to misery continues in March, as the losing streak extends to 15 games), retired Allen Iverson's #3 jersey Saturday. On a squad searching for answers, at least they can look up in the rafters and see one.
Masking the smell of victory: LeBron James' personal and franchise best 61 points against the Bobcats Mondayscent sent a message to Kevin Durant that the MVP race is far from the finish line and reminded us that records, not noses, are meant to be broken.
The Grateful Dead-Eye: Marksman Kyle Korver's all-time mark of 127 consecutive games with a made three-pointer ended last night, as he went 0-5 from beyond the arc for not-so-hotlanta, who fell by 24. Korver knocked down 337 treys during the stretch, meaning his threes have company. Hopefully, when the season is over, he'll have time to reflect on what a long, strange triple it's been.
*providing such useful tips as what order to take the cream and the clear in.
Nobody Loves Raymond: Raymond Felton turned himself in to police last week for owning an unregistered gun, which was brought to the attention of authorities by Felton's wife, who recently filed for divorce. There was no fear of him firing the weapon, since it's common knowledge that Felton, who's making only 40.3% of his field goals this season, can't shoot. When Felton posted bond, it marked the first time this season a player other than Carmelo Anthony bailed the Knicks out.
Tanks for the memories: The 76ers, who should be sponsored by Subway, since they didn't earn "FebruANY" wins in a short month that felt so (foot)long (the march to misery continues in March, as the losing streak extends to 15 games), retired Allen Iverson's #3 jersey Saturday. On a squad searching for answers, at least they can look up in the rafters and see one.
Masking the smell of victory: LeBron James' personal and franchise best 61 points against the Bobcats Monday
The Grateful Dead-Eye: Marksman Kyle Korver's all-time mark of 127 consecutive games with a made three-pointer ended last night, as he went 0-5 from beyond the arc for not-so-hotlanta, who fell by 24. Korver knocked down 337 treys during the stretch, meaning his threes have company. Hopefully, when the season is over, he'll have time to reflect on what a long, strange triple it's been.
*providing such useful tips as what order to take the cream and the clear in.
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