Bear Witness to the Grizzlies

As a self-described "mama grizzly," Sarah Palin should be proud of how Memphis has mostly man-handled -- make that Manu-handled -- San Antonio, the team which held the best record for almost the entire regular season. Tim Duncan turned 35 during game 4 of the series and he looked like he was ready to swap basketball for shuffleboard and sneakers for slippers. The blowout that occurred was not of candles, but the Spurs. Duncan posted a paltry 6 points and 7 rebounds. He took only seven shots and had zero trips to the free throw line. He was passive to the point of being comatose. To put it in perspective, Tiago Splitter had more field goal attempts. That thought alone gives us a splitting headache. The only roster looking older than the Spurs right now is 60 Minutes. Here are more of our observations from the first round:

DeJuan Blair estimates he's lost 15-20 pounds by giving up Whataburgers and strawberry Fanta. Not to be a soda jerk, but at least in this series, the reduced fat has corresponded with reduced minutes, culminating in a DNP in last night's elimination game. The NBA: It's Fanta-tastic!

Maybe the Knicks should've played on a Broadway stage for the post-season, because, due to injuries, they were a one-man show. And we mean a lousy, Colin Quinn Long Story Short, one.

The Celtics slapped the Knicks around worse than LeBron's mom does valets.

It's a shame Pau Gasol's legs aren't made of wood because then it would be much easier for Kobe to light a fire under him.

The only person bringing the Thunder harder than Kevin Durant in OKC is Thor.

The Lakers have to be a-Paul-led by how CP3 has dominated the defending champs. Even Kobe can't contain him. The only people who look more ridiculous while guarding protect the Queen. Maybe Derek Fisher should put on a fuzzy hat. Or the Lakers should've welcomed recent chicken pox sufferer Steve Blake back sooner, while he was still infectious. We doubt Phil Jackson is above biological warfare tactics.

There's no disputing that Paul has vastly out-performed his PG peer, Derrick Rose, whose mere mention brings Michael Wilbon to an orgasm. The phenomenal passing is what separates the two. Not only is Paul more adept at it, but he's also far more inclined to do it, seeking to set up teammates first, and score second. Paul's been dropping dimes like a clumsy coin collector.

The only way to have a hotter hand than Jamal Crawford is to be a glove-less fireman. We demand a re-vote on the 6th Man award and possibly one on the Citizenship award, which went to Ron Artest, who Jason Kidd might say has done "a complete 360" in turning around his public image. Still, with two of the four announced awardsThat's a lot of Lakers bias at the ballot box. Something stinks with Lamar Odom and we don't just mean his unisex fragrance.

Dwight Howard exploded for career-tying 45 in game one and his team lost by 10. Then, he scored 8 and Orlando won by 25. It's pointless to try and figure out what this means, but maybe things are being thrown off by the team's facial hair pact, which is probably angering the sports gods, as it's only supposed to apply to hockey.

Howard is deserving of earning the Defensive POY award for the third straight season, but the fact that Tyson Chandler convinced the Mavs to try this wacky experiment with playing defense, made him a worthy runner-up. That's like persuading the cast of Jersey Shore to abstain from alcohol or at least keep their shirts on for 15 minutes.

In ads promoting exercise, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging kids to "play basketball for one hour a day." We'd like to point out that's 12 more minutes than an NBA game lasts (make sure Zach Randolph receives that message) and most players complain about back-to-back games.

Passport and Shoot

Any schulub can select an All-NBA squad, so we compiled some quirkier quintets worthy of recognition.
Globall Team
PG - Tony Parker
SG - Manu Ginobli
SF - Luol Deng
PF - Dirk Nowitzki
C - Pau Gasol
Honorable Mention: Marcin Gortat, Luis Scola
Dishonorable "Darko Milicic" Mention: Hedo Turkoglu, Carlos Arroyo
Parker and Ginobli propelled the supposedly geriatric Spurs to the top of the West and pushed the pace to make this the highest-scoring San Antonio group Greg Popovich has ever coached (103.7 ppg). It wasn't just the PG who Rose to the occasion with Boozer and Noah sidelined, as Deng played in all 82 games for the first time since 06-07 and only the second time in his career, contributing to the Bulls achieving the best record in the league. Unlike Rose's year with Memphis, this one probably won't be invalidated.

Age Ain't Nothin' But a Number Team
PG - Steve Nash
SG - Ray Allen
SF - Grant Hill
C - Kurt Thomas
Honorable Mention: Andre Miller, Jason Kidd
Dishonorable Mention: Ben Wallace, Shaq
Allen eclipsed Reggie Miller in threes made, while Nash directed a discombobulated team and declined to demand being dealt to a contender, demonstrating classic Canadian manners. Hill proved again that he's not over the, you know, incline. Wallace, like his 'fro, is a relic. If we gave Shaq a 90's rapper name, it would be "Ice Pack."

Backstabbers and Blowhards Team
PG - Deron Williams
SG - Sasha Vujacic
SF - Carmelo Anthony
PF - LeBron James
C - Zydrunas Ilgauskas
Deron threw metaphorical stones at the venerable Jerry Sloan, which took some figurative stones to do. LeBron and Z ditched Cleveland and slung balls at opponents as if they were back in grade school gym class. Anthony congratulated himself for handling the distraction that he initiated. Now that cap he tipped won't fit on his swollen head. He has heard the sound of one hand clapping -- it was his own (his other hand was busy patting him on the back). Vujacic praised his unselfishness and concluded that not scoring points is the best way to help his team win. He can score 30 anytime he wants? Maybe Maria Sharapova's fiancee was thinking of tennis.

Jump for Joy Team
PG - Russell Westbrook
SG - J.R. Smith
SF - LeBron James
PF - Blake Griffin
C - JaVale McGee
Honorable Mention: DeAndre Jordan
Dishonorable Mention: DeJuan Blair
Blake Griffin's leaping is already near mythical. He just might be a griffin because he's built like a lion and soars like an eagle. Smith's elevation in Denver is second only to the Rockies. Post-dunk contest, McGee raised his game. Call him a soar loser.

Mighty Whiteys Team
PG - Luke Ridnour
SG - Kyle Korver
SF - Tyler Hansbrough
PF - David Lee
C - Kevin Love
Honorable Mention: Gordon Hayward, Ryan Anderson
Like the tattoo-less player, the American-born, completely Caucasian hoopster is a species nearing extinction in The Association. Consequently, the list of candidates to choose from is thinner than Brian Cardinal's hair. They may pale in comparison to peers at their position, but even the pasty deserve their day in the sun (just don't stay out too long guys, you'll burn).