Go Tell It On the Mountain

When LeBron James peaks, it's exciting; when he speaks about peaks, it's egomaniacal. In an interview that will air next Monday on NBA TV, the non-presidential LBJ said, "I'm going to be one of the top four to play this game", when asked about his made-up 'Mount Rushmore' of roundball. Yes, he's the face of the Association today, but does his mug belong among basketball's best? Let's not Rushmore to judgement.

He preemptively and premeditatedly upstaged the dunk contest in Heat practice Monday*, and in the year when he isn't the front-runner for MVP honors*, he's holding court on his spot in the annals of the Association. It's as if he takes his place in history for granite.

Do not enter the dragon: It's a drag that guard Goran Dragic was left off the All-Star team. The lineup was set without the Sun, whose squad sat a surprising 10 games above .500 when the subs were selected, and that's a shame. Considering he's doubled his career scoring average and Phoenix is in a playoff position, he deserves a place not just on the Suns, but in the sun.

Best viewed with plenty of Pop-corn: We had a mix-up at the movies. It turns out the flick That Awkward Moment isn't about interviewing Gregg Popovich on the sidelines between quarters.

Bynum in bulk: The wait is over to learn who the overweight Andrew Bynum would sign with. The chubby championship chaser chose Indiana. He could be the difference in the Pacers besting the Heat in a postseason series, but if his pitiful pit stops in Philadelphia and Cleveland are any indication, he's more likely to be the indifference.

Lin, the stallion: According to the Chinese calendar, it's the year of the horse. That might explain Jeremy Lin's studly showing, which happened the day after the new year commenced, when he recorded his first career triple-double and did so saddling up as a substitute. It was another reminder the Knicks really should've ponied up to keep him.

*instead of LeBron throwing the ball off the wall, fans will see John Wall this Saturday

^the only screams for "Kevin" we've heard louder were in Home Alone

Bowled Over

Even though he hasn't yet played a minute this season, Andrew Bynum managed to incur a lane violation - a bowling lane violation. Bynum confessed that while recovering from a right knee injury, he hurt his left knee on Saturday at an alley, possibly pushing back his return even further and into 2013. The Sixers, who brought in Bynum via a blockbuster trade, have a history of buying bum big men. In 2008, the team signed Elton Brand, despite him coming off an 8-game season, severely shortened by an Achilles injury. Brand never regained his All-Star form in Philadelphia and was released in July. At least in this case, the team hasn't committed to Bynum, who's in the final year of his contract. Still, you can find less damaged goods at the bottom of a Black Friday bin.

Bynum believes bowling wasn't more rigorous than rehab, which could be true, but plunking pins is still a pinhead move that'll make Philly fans want to tear out their - and also his - hair*. We don't know how good a bowler Bynum is; the center may be able to pick up a spare, but the Sixers can't pick up a spare center.


*We suspected the fifth Beatle was a brotha.

The Price is Dwight

L.A. Lakers, come on down! The Orlando Magic finally found a contestant eager to play a game involving a great that was getting to be grating. The Lakers underbid, yet still succeeded in the showcase showdown, snatching the big prize: the league's best big man. The Magic were content to clear out Howard for a crappy consolation gift - the equivalent of a chinet set or a lifetime supply of off-brand motor oil - in Al Harrington, Aaron Afflalo, Nikola Vucevic, Moe Harkless and three future draft picks - one each from the trio of other teams included. Two other all-stars were traded - Andrew Bynum and active Olympian Andre Iguodala - but neither are moving to the Magic Kingdom; their final destinations are Philly and Denver, respectively, where Iguodala will run and gun with the nimble Nuggets, while Bynum might be one and done with the speculative Sixers, who hope Bynum will be hooked on his hometown team.

The seismic swap doesn't leave the Magic empty-handed (Afflalo is above-average), but it might mean that they're empty-headed*. They let the Lakers convert their cantankerous center for the superior and slightly less sulky one, which resulted in a restocking of their twin towers of power. Although not the level of larceny at work in landing Gasol, the buy-low scenario made it easy for the Lakers to say "bye" to the bi-polar Bynum. For Orlando, the headache is gone, but the massive migraine will start soon. Better pop some Superman-strength Advil.

*We recommend having the executives spayed and neutered.

Rond'oh!

All of the amazing action of the playoffs since Saturday - Durant's clanging but clutch game-winner, Andrew Bynum's bevy of blocks and triumphant triple-double, the captivating Clippers comeback (or the Grizzlies grand gagging) the Mavs misfiring when it mattered most on Monday - will be overshadowed by the brainless behavior of Rajon Rondo and Amare Stoudemire, leaders who were so livid they had lamentably large lapses in judgement.

Rondo lost it while going for a loose ball with under a minute remaining the game. The call didn't go the Celtics way, so while complaining he clapped his hands close to the official, received a technical, then conspicuously caused contact with the ref, leading to his ejection and a subsequent suspension for one game. He likely cost his team tonight's contest, with Ray Allen not expected to return yet, probably putting the Celtics in a 2-0 hole that will be a challenge to climb out of.

As for Stoudemire, he too couldn't control his temper. His injury is equally self-inflicted and ironic. He couldn't extinguish the fire burning inside him, so he punched a fire extinguisher case outside of the locker room after the loss, lacerating his left hand, which required stitches. His team is already down two-zip - maybe he thought that deficit constituted the "emergency" that the text on the plate of glass warned about* - it looks like he'll miss a minimum of one game, which means brooms are at the ready in Miami and it's not because the Heat are preparing to play a game of Quidditch. Unlike Rondo, Stoudemire claimed culpability for his careless conduct, tweeting, "I want to apologize to the fans and my team, [I'm] not proud of my actions." We feel your pane, Amare.

*attempting to put out the Heat literally

West Side's Story

We feel four-tunate because the playoffs commence today with a quadruple-header. Here's what we see happening in the opening round of the Western Conference:

#1 Spurs vs. #8 Jazz: People slept on the well-rested Spurs almost all season, like Jeremy Lin slumbered on sibling's and ex-Stanford student's sofas, so it's fitting they're facing a team with two z's in its name, since this series will be a snooze. Wake us when it's over. We believe the Jazz will be rudely shown the door the way Uncle Phil did with Jazz on The Fresh Prince.

#2 Thunder vs. #7 Mavericks: This season, it's as if 2011 Finals MVP Dirk Nowitzki has been gun-slinging using a pea shooter - averaging his lowest ppg since '99-00 - while three-time league leader in scoring Kevin Durant has been firing a bazooka. The Mav with the most intensity wearing a jersey is Mark Cuban.

#3 Lakers vs. #6 Nuggets: Class is now in Sessions, Ramon (0 playoff appearances). Participation is part of your final grade, Andrew Bynum (8.2 ppg in 21.6 mpg in 62 career postseason contests). Where's Metta World Peace? Oh, suspended by the principal. I should've guessed. Kobe, to pass the course, you must demonstrate a willingness to pass the ball, but if your teammates miss easy shots, we can turn this into an independent study.

#4 Clippers vs. #5 Grizzlies: Beware of a bear trap, Clippers. It might take Davy Crockett to dispatch this ursine unit. One squad dunks, the other defends (fifth-fewest points allowed), guess which wins in the playoffs?

An A-Paul-ing Move

Yesterday, the NBA played its version of Deal or No Deal, rescinding a trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers in exchange for Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom (Gasol was to be re-routed immediately to the Rockets for Luis Scola and Kevin Martin, one more live body and a future draft pick). If the Lakers had been able to pull off the move, it would have been the second time in three years that the flagship franchise fleeced another small-market team to acquire a superstar (the prior one being Memphis for Gasol), which is probably why David Stern put his wingtipped foot down. Since the league owns the Hornets, they are free to veto any of the team's transactions, so Stern said "no" to NO. Hornets GM Dell Demps discovered that making moves in the Big Easy isn't very easy.

The trade was like a light switch: it was on, it was off, the whole time surging with power. Allegedly, other owners blew a fuse over the news (with Dan Gilbert, aka "the Cleveland calligrapher," putting his feelings into writing again), angered that a West coast equivalent of the Heat was being assembled (Andrew Bynum being left out meant that the Lakers still had an asset to offer for Dwight Howard), causing the commissioner to refuse the exchange. The only comment thus far from the league is that that trade was rejected for "basketball reasons." As opposed to what, rugby reasons? It was within Stern's rights, but was it the right thing to do, to interfere to that extent? Pay no attention to the man standing behind the curtain, even if he's left the curtain partially open so the public can peek in. No one was left more shocked by the turn of events than Chris Paul, who expected to bring his electrifying play to L.A. After not letting Paul bolt, the least Stern can do is check on Paul's current condition, providing an outlet for him*.

*If we are guilty of using too many electricity puns, we accept the charge.

Lakers Lose Magic Touch

Magic Johnson has sold his stake in the Lakers to a doctor. A real one, not Dr. J. Although it’s probably a plastic surgeon, since it’s L.A. With a physician as a part-owner, maybe he can work a medical miracle and Andrew Bynum will play in 10 or more games in a row without getting injured.

In addition to his trick of making the HIV in his body disappear (top that, David Blaine), Magic has been a savvy businessman in his retirement, so he likely had more on his mind with this move than just making a profit, especially since Michael Jordan has now paved the way for iconic players to own teams (even if he went to the Isiah Thomas School of Management). It became clear that the Buss family wasn’t going to budge on selling the Lakers.

Hopefully, he’ll be able to make bid for ownership of a franchise more befitting of his nickname, like the Orlando Magic or the Washington Wizards. Or he could take things a step further, and reintroduce pro hoops to the Emerald City with the alliteration-approved Seattle Sorcerers (they're crazy for coffee and consonance in that city). Whatever Magic elects to do next, it can't turn out worse than his late night talk show.