3,2,1...Contract

David Stern is openly talking about contraction and, as far as we know, his wife's not pregnant. That means he's considering eliminating teams. If the NBA must phase out franchises, let’s first look to the great white north. No, not Minnesota. Think whiter and even more northern: Canada.

True, a native of Canada did spawn the sport, Dr. James Naismith*, all blessings and praise be upon him, but having pro teams in Canada has been a failed experiment, like Dane Cook's movie career. In both cases, there was some potential, but things didn't translate well, casting was poor (when Bryant Reeves or Jason Biggs play prominent roles it's a sign of disaster), and eventually they became unwatchable.

In the decade-and-a-half Toronto has had a team, they have made the playoffs five times, advancing past the first round only once. They have finished at or above .500 five times. Even worse, their now-exiled counterparts, the Grizzlies, didn't come close to qualifying for the playoffs while in Vancouver (or winning 30 games). They have never won a post-season game and have finished with a winning record just once. Their winning percentage overall is .333. It's fitting that a franchise so down on its luck settled in a city synonymous with the blues.

Ignore the fact that the Raptors couldn’t retain an in-his-prime, All-Star draft pick, Chris Bosh (that could happen to any squad, but don't except condolences from Cavs fans), and instead focus on the fact that they couldn’t retain an aging, mid-level player, Hedo Turkoglu, who chose to come there as a free agent one year prior. The seats at the Air Canada Centre should come with barf bags.

Usually, a commissioner would look to cut the teams in the smallest markets first, but the NBA has proven better than any other pro sports league that those teams can thrive (see: Sacramento, Portland). Hell, Stern is the same person who three years ago approved a franchise resettling to a smaller city, which came as a wake-up call to a city that's already very alert due to over-caffeination. He rewards loyalty and Oklahoma City had embraced the Hornets when they were a temporary team. The Grizzlies may play at FedEx Forum, but they are a package fans have resisted receiving, regardless of the country. These teams were never featured on U.S. TV broadcasts anyway, which means they might as well have not existed. Raptors have been extinct for millions of years, so why not kill off the last ones? Grizzlies hibernate during the winter, so just make it permanent. Because if the NBA must cry poor, at least blame it on the exchange rate.

* He did become a naturalized U.S. citizen. Which means we can claim his as our own and also that Nike should be cutting his descendants monthly checks.