Aye, There's the Rub*

We apologize for our time away, but Kobe kept stunting the development of our stories. Kobe was dominating the keyboard, while we stood off to the side by the mouse, ready to be used if needed (almost always, Kobe went with the trackpad).

Last week, Andrea Bargnani told an Italian newspaper that the Raptors are "pretty much the worst team in the NBA," and we agree with that assessment^ - although they've won two in a row without him in the lineup - now that the Bobcats, losers of 11 straight, are back to being the harmless and hapless Bobkittens. The Raptors might also be the most OCD team in the association, too.

As Bargnani was airing his feelings of frustration, Amir Johnson was trying to feel out the fiasco on the floor. Johnson wanted to heed his habit of rubbing the ball in between free throws, but in the third quarter that rubbed the ref the wrong way. Forgetting to put the 'tact' in "tactile," Johnson tried to snatch the Spalding from the official and was tossed, then he tossed his mouthpiece, which led to a one-game suspension. At least there's one player in Toronto who wants the ball in his hands. Believe it or not, what Bargnani said, rather than what Johnson did, is more of a touchy subject.

*We're more ham than Hamlet, but we had to quote Shakespeare to mark our 200th post.
^Bargnani has claimed that comment was mistranslated, but we doubt his words were twisted like fusilli.

Points of Interest

Kobe Bryant is the Sam's Club of scorers - he buys buckets in bulk. Last night, he joined an elite club, becoming only the fifth player in league history to exceed 30,000 points. He is the youngest to reach the record, but that's because he passed on college* and entered the association at an earlier age, which wasn't an option for the others - and isn't allowed anymore, either. And before you offer a high-five for him being among the famed five of Jordan, Malone, Abdul-Jabbar and Chamberlain, consider that it actually took Kobe the most games to meet the milestone - 27 more than "the Mailman" needed to stick his forever stamp on the sacred scoring scrolls (which, if they don't exist, should). Still, the accomplishment represents both quality and quantity. That Kobe's achievement came against the Hornets, the team that traded him on draft day 16 years ago, meant on Wednesday he was making a point that won't show up on the stat sheet.

Guys and Dolls: We segue from Kobe to Barbie. Byron Scott isn't babying his young players, he's giving them babies. The Cavs coach has doled out dolls and strollers to the team's three rookies without a word as to why. We think coach confused the buddy system with the My Buddy system.

*See? Kobe passes sometimes.

Talking Sit

It's a good thing that during our extended break* we didn't miss much, like the Wizards breaking the curse that caused their dirty dozen game start to the season or defeating the defending champs, Rajon Rondo snapping his 10-plus assists streak at 37 games after snapping at Kris Kardashian Humphries over an ordinary foul on KG, Charles Barkley broadcasting a game, the Bobcats already equaling their win total from all of last year, the Garden being fertile ground for the Knicks who are 7-0 at on home soil (maybe because J.R. Smith is now more committed to his ballclub than clubbing), Tony Parker and Tim Duncan's going black op on a Halloween photo op, and a new name that New Orleans will come to egret - whoops, we mean regret.

But the most significant story of all was David Stern fining the Spurs a quarter of a million dollars for the coach Gregg Popovich's choice to sit Duncan, Parker, Manu Ginobli and Danny Green in the final contest of a six-game road. Popovich has put this plan in place plenty of times before, but never so early in the season and not when scheduled to play nationally televised game, which is what caused the commissioner to have a conniption.

Stern asininely attempted to argue that the franchise had done a disservice to the fans attending. It was an away game, so he means Miamians, who are noted for feeling about pro sports the way the water on their beaches does: luke-warm. These are the same fortunate fans whose team won the most recent title. The lucky bastards backers who have the privilege of "witnessing" the greatest player in the league on nightly basis, plus Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Ray Allen.

With his stiff sanctions, Stern showed that in the association, there's not only no rest for the wicked, there's no rest for the wonderful, either (San Antonio is 14-4). Popovich restrained response to repercussions was that he was "disappointed." Rightly so, since this unprecedented, pricey penalty shouldn't sit well with the Spurs.

*Let's just say the torpor was due to turkey day, after which we couldn't put our big-boy pants on (Kobe's advice to "just adjust" didn't work on our belt) - or make our way to a keyboard (we blame a kilo of key lime pie for the latter).

Bowled Over

Even though he hasn't yet played a minute this season, Andrew Bynum managed to incur a lane violation - a bowling lane violation. Bynum confessed that while recovering from a right knee injury, he hurt his left knee on Saturday at an alley, possibly pushing back his return even further and into 2013. The Sixers, who brought in Bynum via a blockbuster trade, have a history of buying bum big men. In 2008, the team signed Elton Brand, despite him coming off an 8-game season, severely shortened by an Achilles injury. Brand never regained his All-Star form in Philadelphia and was released in July. At least in this case, the team hasn't committed to Bynum, who's in the final year of his contract. Still, you can find less damaged goods at the bottom of a Black Friday bin.

Bynum believes bowling wasn't more rigorous than rehab, which could be true, but plunking pins is still a pinhead move that'll make Philly fans want to tear out their - and also his - hair*. We don't know how good a bowler Bynum is; the center may be able to pick up a spare, but the Sixers can't pick up a spare center.


*We suspected the fifth Beatle was a brotha.

Truant or False?

Houston, we have a problem. Rockets rookie Royce White, who is battling a fear of flying, is now battling with the team that drafted him. White, through his publicist*, issued a statement claiming the club has been "inconsistent" in how it has handled his anxiety disorder and expressed regret at revealing his mental malady. White, who has yet to get into a game, has adopted a Ferris Bueller attitude about practice this week and taken it off without permission. Meanwhile, the team intended to assign him to the D-League, where the only mode of transportation is by bus. We don't know what plan the two sides formulated to help him face his phobia, but going Greyhound doesn't appear to sit well with White^. Houston would only say that White is "not available" - maybe they mean emotionally?

*maybe focus on dealing with the full-court press instead of the press

^perhaps, the question isn't what are these parties going to do, but rather what aren't they going to do?

Hire Learning

You could say the Lakers search for a head coach took Seven Seconds or Less. The Lakers decided not to fill their vacancy with Phil. The team opted against bringing back Jackson, much to the surprise of everyone, including the guy given the gig, Mike D'Antoni, who confessed to the New York Daily News, "When I got the call that it was me, my first reaction was, 'Are you serious?'" And, we imagine, Jim Buss, also talking like a teenager, responded, "Yeah, totes. Serious as Jacob's love for Bella!" To which D'Antoni then replied, "This is cray-cray!"

Jackson was thought to be the consensus choice, but rumors are that while he loves the work of Jack Kerouac, he was reluctant to be on the road, due to persistent health problems. D'Antoni and Nash had a productive partnership in Phoenix for four seasons, two of which were MVP years for the guard. As an assistant, D'Antoni has coached Kobe and Dwight Howard on the Olympic team. D'Antoni also carries a reputation as a players coach. Then again, so did Mike Brown. And it was a player, a star fellow, who cost D'Antoni his last job in New York. There are reasons to select D'Antoni, but last we checked, the championship count was: Jackson 11, D'Antoni 0.

D'Antoni is tasked with taking this team to the top and it'll be an uphill climb for him. He has the high-priced equipment, but can he figure out how to best utilize it?* Meanwhile, the Zen master is already seated at the summit, meditating (working through why he isn't working). And Bernie Bickerstaff is seeking out a staffing agency.

*if not, he'll be asked to take a hike

Brown Out

Even though Mike Brown has a pair of glasses to match his every suit, as well as an endorsement deal with Oakley, we don't think he saw this coming. Brown has been fired following the Lakers bad beginning. L.A.'s glaring 1-4 record caused a crabby Kobe Bryant to glare from the bench during a loss on Wednesday (it's fair to say he wasn't Jazzed to be beaten by Utah). Signs that the squad of superstars, who traded for top talent Dwight Howard and Steve Nash in the offseason, were struggling showed in the preseason, when L.A. went winless.

In the end, 2009's Coach of the Year was granted a mere 71 regular season games with the Lakers, of which the club won 42, despite him signing a four-year contract in 2011. Brown told Esquire last year that the amount of eyewear he owned was "embarrassing," so we're wondering what word he would use to describe being dismissed just five games into a season? It's ironic that a man with a surplus of spectacles was faulted for a fading focus.