3,2,1...Contract

David Stern is openly talking about contraction and, as far as we know, his wife's not pregnant. That means he's considering eliminating teams. If the NBA must phase out franchises, let’s first look to the great white north. No, not Minnesota. Think whiter and even more northern: Canada.

True, a native of Canada did spawn the sport, Dr. James Naismith*, all blessings and praise be upon him, but having pro teams in Canada has been a failed experiment, like Dane Cook's movie career. In both cases, there was some potential, but things didn't translate well, casting was poor (when Bryant Reeves or Jason Biggs play prominent roles it's a sign of disaster), and eventually they became unwatchable.

In the decade-and-a-half Toronto has had a team, they have made the playoffs five times, advancing past the first round only once. They have finished at or above .500 five times. Even worse, their now-exiled counterparts, the Grizzlies, didn't come close to qualifying for the playoffs while in Vancouver (or winning 30 games). They have never won a post-season game and have finished with a winning record just once. Their winning percentage overall is .333. It's fitting that a franchise so down on its luck settled in a city synonymous with the blues.

Ignore the fact that the Raptors couldn’t retain an in-his-prime, All-Star draft pick, Chris Bosh (that could happen to any squad, but don't except condolences from Cavs fans), and instead focus on the fact that they couldn’t retain an aging, mid-level player, Hedo Turkoglu, who chose to come there as a free agent one year prior. The seats at the Air Canada Centre should come with barf bags.

Usually, a commissioner would look to cut the teams in the smallest markets first, but the NBA has proven better than any other pro sports league that those teams can thrive (see: Sacramento, Portland). Hell, Stern is the same person who three years ago approved a franchise resettling to a smaller city, which came as a wake-up call to a city that's already very alert due to over-caffeination. He rewards loyalty and Oklahoma City had embraced the Hornets when they were a temporary team. The Grizzlies may play at FedEx Forum, but they are a package fans have resisted receiving, regardless of the country. These teams were never featured on U.S. TV broadcasts anyway, which means they might as well have not existed. Raptors have been extinct for millions of years, so why not kill off the last ones? Grizzlies hibernate during the winter, so just make it permanent. Because if the NBA must cry poor, at least blame it on the exchange rate.

* He did become a naturalized U.S. citizen. Which means we can claim his as our own and also that Nike should be cutting his descendants monthly checks.

Lakers Lose Magic Touch

Magic Johnson has sold his stake in the Lakers to a doctor. A real one, not Dr. J. Although it’s probably a plastic surgeon, since it’s L.A. With a physician as a part-owner, maybe he can work a medical miracle and Andrew Bynum will play in 10 or more games in a row without getting injured.

In addition to his trick of making the HIV in his body disappear (top that, David Blaine), Magic has been a savvy businessman in his retirement, so he likely had more on his mind with this move than just making a profit, especially since Michael Jordan has now paved the way for iconic players to own teams (even if he went to the Isiah Thomas School of Management). It became clear that the Buss family wasn’t going to budge on selling the Lakers.

Hopefully, he’ll be able to make bid for ownership of a franchise more befitting of his nickname, like the Orlando Magic or the Washington Wizards. Or he could take things a step further, and reintroduce pro hoops to the Emerald City with the alliteration-approved Seattle Sorcerers (they're crazy for coffee and consonance in that city). Whatever Magic elects to do next, it can't turn out worse than his late night talk show.

Russian to Judgment on the Cavs

The Cleveland Cavaliers lost an exhibition game to CSKA Moscow Saturday night. No, that's not the new name for the New Jersey Nets, it's a formidable Euroleague team that came state-side to play a few NBA squads this week, including Miami Thrice and the should've stayed in Charlotte Hornets (because the league was a better place before the Bobcats existed).

Preseason results should be taken with a grain of salt, although that's difficult when LeBron is using the same shaker to pour and rub sodium into the wounds of his hometown team. Don't think it was only Cavs fans and their livid, letter-writing owner who were devastated when LeBron left, it affected his former teammates as well and will continue to so for awhile. Some of them may even be wondering why LeBron handpicked Z to join him in South Beach and not them -- probably because LeBron wanted to give Z an opportunity to finally get a tan or a championship, neither of which seemed possible in Cleveland (or maybe LeBron's thought process was that it's always cool to have friend with an accent; it makes you seem more worldly).

Even if he wore a racist tie on media day (now we know S&K Menswear must mean Swastikas and Klansmen), we don't envy the work that lies ahead for new coach Byron Scott. Straightening this team out is going to be more challenging than straightening Anderson Varejao's hair.

Iverson to Turkey - No (Istan)bul

Allen Iverson is all over the map. We mean physically, not mentally. Iverson is reportedly in contract negotiations with a club in that country, Besiktas Cola Turka, with a sticking point over signing being the maximum amount he can be fined over the course of the season (apparently his practice skipping is pre-meditated).

This move certainly doesn't carry the global cachet of playing in China. For one, he'd be balling or squad named after a strange soda. Forget any world-wide endorsement deals, they'd be regional at best. If you think that soft drink is weird, we don't recommend Turkey's other popular carbonated beverage, Mountain Hedo.

Arenas Wasn't "Nick"ed Up

Unofficial NRA member and occasional player for the Washington Bullets, er, Wizards, Gilbert Arenas faked a knee injury so that fellow guard Nick Young could receive some more playing time. The ploy mostly worked, as Young scored 24 points, but Arenas has been fined $50K by the team for his deception. Hope every point you watched your teammate score from the bench was worth $2,083.33, Gilbert.

As the sole beneficiary of the dumb decision, Young should step up and foot the bill to express his gratitude, but Arenas shouldn't have had to resort to that tactic. As the senior-most veteran and expected leader of a callow team, he should have lobbied on Young's behalf, not lied. There was no (k)need for duplicity.

Heat Show Air-ogance

The only team talked about this summer, the Miami Threet, are above practicing at a gym. They need a grander stage, so they've been getting their Top Gun on, scrimmaging at a Florida Air Force base this week (we can't reveal the exact location, but it's off the highway to the danger zone). The setting is ironic, because the Air Force is known for employing stealth and there's nothing under-the-radar about this bunch. In the scant time they've been together, Bosh, Wade and LeBron have already hot dogged more than an Oscar Myer employee.

Maybe the motive is pure -- to display appreciation to a local branch of the military -- but it seems more like another way to call attention to themselves by doing something out of the ordinary to create a spectacle, which is unnecessary since this team has more coverage than a Muslim woman's wardrobe.

A High Tech Problem

Kendrick Perkins, you might want to work on being perky. The NBA revealed on Friday that it is doubling the fines for technical fouls this season. The amount will start at $2,000 and increase by 1K per every 5 technicals. If a player manages to amass 16 techs or more, the amount caps at $5,000. Last year, 3 players finished the regular season with 16 or more technicals: Perkins, Rasheed Wallace and Dwight Howard.

What does this mean? Superman can fly -- just not off the handle. And Kobe (14 techs) would be wise to have less beef with the refs. Similarly, Amar'e (13) needs to not adopt a New Yorker attitude (let Spike Lee do your shouting for you) and 'Melo (13) must mellow. Now it's becoming clear why Wallace decided to retire.