Bald Don't Lie

Kevin Garnett's caustic comments would've caused the hair on Charlie Villanueva's head to stand up -- if Villanueva had any. Villanueva, who is afflicted with alopecia areata, a skin disease that prevents hair from growing on any part of his body (not just his noggin), alleges that Garnett called him a "cancer patient" during a game in which their matchup went from physical to personal. Garnett denies it -- claiming that he said Villanueva was "cancerous" to his team-- and his coach and Celtics director of basketball ops (Doc River and Danny Ainge) have rushed to both defend Garnett and disparage Villanueva, respectively, proving that the Celtics are a classy organization, from top to bottom.

Garnett has a well-deserved reputation for running his mouth and his gums have been flapping far more frequently since he joined the Celtics. He talks more trash than a garrulous garbageman. And these days, his lips move much more than his legs. So all signs point to it being true that in the heat of the moment he went over the line and said something stupid to purposefully provoke his opponent. That doesn't excuse his remarks, which crass and cruel, especially since this is a future Hall of Famer picking on a role player.

We're inclined to trust Villanueva. Why would he make the story up? He doesn't have a history of lying, while Garnett does have a history of yapping. Furthermore, Garnett expects us to believe he has the concentration to ball while spouting poly-syllabic insults? That when he's not dunking he's perusing the dictionary for pernicious put-downs?*

Villanueva is angry enough that he challenged Garnett to a fight, albeit in the least macho way possible: via Tweet. If KG wants to make things right, agree to square off, with all the proceeds going to fund cancer research. Only then will he learn the valuable lesson that words hurt -- but not as much as fists.

*You better believe I consulted a dictionary to make sure I was using "pernicious" correctly.

Oregon Almost Elects a Dud(ley)

Chris Dudley never ran down the court well, but that didn't stop him from running for Governor of Oregon, narrowly losing a closely-contested race. His political ambitions were like the residents of Eugene: high. To be fair, he isn't just another jock who misses being famous, although the incumbent did accuse him of that. Dudley attended Yale, which surely prepared him more for lobbying than dribbling, earning a degree in economics and political science. We think Dudley still has a bright future in politics, since his NBA career mimics that of many politicians: there's longevity (16 years) without much productivity (a paltry 3.9 ppg).

In other former great white stiffs who were vying for political office news, Shawn Bradley lost his bid for a seat in the Utah legislature. Experts thought gaining office would be a... (wait for it) tall order for the 7'6" Bradley. If this trend continues, we can expect to address Jeff Foster as "Senator" in ten years.

Deaf Jam

David Stern is preaching that players’ salaries have to be slashed substantially in order for the league to sustain itself. In other words, Chicken Little is screaming that the sky is falling. But his cries aren't being heard. While Stern has been publicly advocating for fiscal sanity – which he should’ve done before the free agency period if he wanted us to believe this was more than a tactic related to the collective bargaining negotiations-- teams have chosen to not just ignore that message, but openly defy it.

This week, Memphis announced it's shelling out $40 million for PG Mike Conley, while Atlanta agreed to terms with C Al Horford for $60 million. Conley averaged 12 points and 5 assists in 32 minutes per game last season. Those stats aren’t exactly eye-popping, but he’s sure to be cork-popping to toast his new deal, since the five-year contract will double his annual salary, from 4 to 8 mill. Horford nearly averaged a double-double last season, with 14 points and just under 10 boards, good enough to be named an All-Star reserve. The scoring is solid and the rebounding figure is impressive, but is he worth 12 mill. a year -- or more than twice what he's earning now? To put it in perspective, Horford will make more next season than any one of his teammates this season, except Joe Johnson, who received a max. contract.*

Both Conley and Horford are from the ’07 draft class, meaning they were only going to be restricted free agents after the year, so there should’ve been no rush to re-sign them.
In essence, these franchises are gambling that these players will continue to develop and improve, and that signing them at the start of the season will be less costly than doing so at the end, eliminating a potential bidding war against other interested squads, possibly saving them money in the long-run. However, they don't appear to be on track to turn into elite players at their positions; it's doubtful they're the next Chris Paul and Dwight Howard.

The Hawks and Grizzlies are paying for potential, which is the way the NBA has conducted business for quite some time, but if that has truly caused the league sink into dire straights financially, then it needs to stop. Desist distributing dollars to the might-be-greats. Often, players don't live up to the expectations and teams are saddled for years with bad contracts that they sometimes swap for other, equally-bad contracts. Owners and GMs need to reward results and end the practice of handing huge contracts to unproven players or one-year wonders. Being an NBA lottery pick doesn't mean you should be paid like a lottery winner, although it's not their fault that owners are willing to hand them jackpot money. Powerball and basketball payouts shouldn't be the same.

*Please note that this post contains no humor, but if you want to have a good laugh, take a look at what the Wolves voluntarily agreed to pay Darko this summer. He's responded with an average of 3.5 points on 18 percent shooting through four games. Money well-spent.

David Stern is Clothes-Minded

Rasheed Wallace once remarked that NBA players are merely high-paid slaves. And while that statement is at least as insane as it is ignorant, players are slaves to the strict fashion policies of the league. Case in point: the latest league mandate is that all headbands must be right-side-up.It's controlling enough that headbands must display only the NBA logo and be in one the team's colors.

The NBA has been concerned with clothing for several years, first forcing all players to dress like GQ models for post-game press conferences and while sitting on the bench if injured, seemingly to please the business-class ticket holders and corporate sponsors. Then, there were rumblings this off-season of making coaches a put on and shirt and tie under their jacket, which might have drove Don Nelson right into retirement. It did not come to pass, so we can still mock Stan Van Gundy for his mock turtlenecks. Maybe NBA TV wants to air its own version of What Not to Wear to fill a few programming holes because that’s the only explanation we can come up with for this pointless policy (first episode: Clinton Kelly and Stacy London try to convince Charles Barkley to wear a collared shirt).

FIBA team snub Rajon Rondo was an offender and has since decided to forgo the headband altogether rather than comply with this ridiculous rule. Maybe that's what Stern hopes to accomplish: reducing the use of the item. But if he hates headbands (or, even more oddly, has a forehead sweat fetish), we don't know how he survived the 80s. Flipping an optional accessory around shouldn't cause the commissioner to flip out.

Rocky Mountain Hi

After two nights of action, it might be time to scale back the collective expectations for the Threet. Using a combination of mathematics and moderation (two concepts we never applied in college), we can reasonably predict an 81-1 regular season record and a complete cancellation of the playoffs by the commissioner due to Miami's utter dominance, followed by the team’s immediate enshrinement in the Hall of Fame. Diverting our attention from Miami Thrice for a minute, there are many other compelling question beyond whether or not the Three Basketeers make history. Here's a handful for the Denver Nuggets:

Where will Carmelo Anthony's final destination be? Will he be sent to a contender or a struggling squad? Will Denver get anything close to equal value when they do unload him? Will ‘Melo be motivated while he bides his time waiting to leave or will he switch to cruise control? Is he feeling slighted, since Kevin Durant may have surpassed him as a pure scorer? When he departs, can J.R. Smith, he of the Autobots and Decepticons ink, transform (see what we did there?) himself from a streaky scorer into a steady one? Will parting ways with him cause the team to miss the post-season in the Northwest, one of the most difficult divisions in the NBA? If he’s granted his wish to join the Knicks, will the coy approach he's taken adopted by other athletes? Is this his way of not snitching on himself?

Will George Karl’s health hold up in his return to the bench after a courageous battle with throat cancer? Will the team rally around the most player-friendly coach in the NBA, after collapsing in his absence last season?

Can Ty Lawson handle the PG duties well enough to allow Chauncey Billups to pace himself and not play too many minutes early on?

Is there any room left on the Birdman’s body to get another tattoo? Will Lynyrd Skynyrd thank him for the free advertising? Is he learning how to play the guitar so he can honor the musical requests that will soon be shouted his way? Will people hold lighters up when he blocks shots?

Which will be higher at the season’s end: LeBron’s ppg average or the Cavs win total?

Sorry, couldn’t resist sneaking that one in.

Conversation About Miami Still Heating Up

LeBron-a-thon begins tonight -- aka the 2010-11 NBA season. Love him or loathe him, you can expect wall-to-wall coverage of the most controversial decider since George W. Bush. Ironically, John Wall will not receive wall-to-wall coverage -- or even as much as his backcourt mate, Guns and Ammo cover model Gilbert Arenas, who we're sure is dressing as Robin for Halloween, based on his recent comments. With all the attention on LBJ and his cabinet*, no one is talking about the defending champs, except in relation to the Vujacic-Sharapova engagement (which one spends more time on their hair in the morning is a burning question) and perhaps some discussion of whether Andrew Bynum's body is sturdier than balsa wood, but we're sure some sixth-grader will get to the bottom of this shortly at a science fair (preferably using popsicle sticks).

A little more than two decades ago, Public Enemy told us not to believe the hype. LeBron has been branded a public enemy by many. Therefore, we shall follow the sage advice of the clock-accessorizing group and not automatically assume the Heat will win 70 games or award them the championship on opening night. That doesn't mean we're not excited to watch the talented trio, but if the media makes it all about Mia-ME 24/7, there's bound to be some backlash, particularly from astute fans who know the league has much more to offer beyond LeBron.

*That's two Presidential references in one post. You won't get that from other basketball blogs. Unless Obama has started one (ghostwritten by Reggie Love), which is entirely possible. In fact, if he appointed a person to be the Secretary of Slam Dunks, we wouldn't be surprised.

Get Out of Your Dreams and Into His Car

It's ok to admit that 90s Gatorade commercials manipulated your mind. We're not saying electrolytes are evil, but the company's lightning bolt burned into your brain at an early age that your innermost desire was to be "like Mike." There's good news and bad news about this common condition, although it's expensive either way. The bad news is that there still hasn't been a breakthrough in therapy can cure you of this marketing malady. The good news is that you can move closer to your life's ambition of sharing similarities with MJ (beyond the gambling addiction) -- provided you have around $430K to spare (be sure check under the couch cushions...of a multi-millionaire's furniture).

Jordan is selling his '07 Mercedes McLaren SLR 722. Before you ask, yes, the doors open vertically, so you know it's worth the steep asking price. Hold on to your Hanes, because this rare ride has a top speed of 209 mph. The cost might not be low, but the mileage sure is. Jordan has only put 962 on the odometer, so, just like with the Bobcats, he's devoted hardly any time to it these past few years.