Appetite for Self-Destruction

There's a "gulf" war in the NBA. David Stern casually canceled the first two weeks of the season like it was The Playboy Club. The move eliminates 100 games from the schedule, all but assuring that a full season's slate of games is now out of the question for the second time in league history. "We just have a gulf that separates us [management and labor]," Stern said, adding that axing more games is likely. The first cut probably won't be the deepest, disappointing Cat Stevens as well as the Bobcats.

82 is the number of games each team plays. 82 is also the atomic weight of lead, the heavy metal the league is now sinking like into a gulf. Speaking of elements, there is an element of conspiracy when players association executive director Billy Hunter flippantly said about games being sloppily deleted at the last minute like they were porn files on your office computer, "I'm convinced that this is all just part of the plan." Accusing the owners and commissioner of wanting to lose games as a negotiating ploy doesn't set a civil tone. Maybe Hunter should watch How to be a Gentleman. Wait, that's been cancelled, too.*

Stern went on to say, "with every day that goes by, we need to look at further reductions in what's left of the season." It sounds like a Guns N' Roses guitarist won't be the only guy nicknamed Slash when Stern's through. Except, unlike the band, we won't be welcomed to the jungle because the NBA doesn't have fun or - for the moment - games.

*Players without contracts can't even sit around and watch Free Agents, another fall TV victim.

Yes, We Cancel

It figures. We have a man in the White House who's passionate about basketball, enough so to invite players over for pickup games, and somehow a lockout is about to occur while he's in the Oval Office. It's looking like more jobs will be lost under his watch. Curiously, the last time an NBA lockout happened, 1998-1999, was also the last time a Democrat was living in the White House (Bill Clinton loved college b-ball too, but not to the extent that he invited an expert to help him fill out his NCAA tournament bracket, which Obama does for the women's side, too, and yet there was no bigger fan of women than Clinton).

Obama needs to take action. If Congress can insert itself into baseball to investigate steroids, then surely the President can intervene to save the NBA season. Speaking with David Stern is bound to be more productive than meeting with John Boehner (and there should be less crying). Please, President Obama, give us what you ran on in 2008: hope. Better yet, give us hoops.

Historically, Republicans have known how to strike fear in the hearts of unions. Does this mean we should vote for a GOP candidate in 2012? Considering the name of his family's vacation home, we don't think Rick Perry would be an effective broker in lifting the lockout. Unless he threatened to put all the players on death row if they didn't suit up. Ron Paul would eliminate referees and allow players to regulate themselves, causing chaos. Mitt Romney would be in favor of health care for players in one meeting and then against it in the next session. The concern isn't that he's a Mormon, it's that he's a moron. Herman Cain might be able to deliver us pro hoops. At the very least, he can deliver us pizza. Because if it's not possible for us to be both fat and happy, we still want to be fat.

Mamba Mia!

Like father, like son. Kobe Bryant told an Italian newspaper that it's "very likely" he would play for a club in that country should the NBA's lockout persist. Bryant spent his formative years in Italy during his dad's seven-year stint balling there. A Turkish team tried to woo Kobe, but he's more receptive to romance from a nation that speaks a Romance language, one Kobe remains fluent in. Kobe being ready for Rome isn't the only example of an NBA player ready to roam, just the most prominent. If Kobe laces up his walking boots to play in the place shaped like a boot, there will be a black snake moan heard coming from the commissioner's office.

The league likes to pride itself on embracing Thomas Friedman's progressive theory that the world is flat. Well, the NBA is on the verge of flat-lining, postponing the opening of training camp and canceling the first week of preseason games (remember: no preseason games were missed in the resolution of the NFL's lockout, a markedly more successful league). Above-average foreign players, such as Rudy Fernandez and Danilo Gallinari are heading home (to Spain and Italy, respectively). Meanwhile, Denver might as well move their franchise to China (for starters, they'd be closer to the Nike factories), as Kenyon Martin becomes the third Nugget to pick the People's Republic (how now retired Yao?) and the fifth to decide to hoop it up outside the U.S.

The Great Wall land already had Wal-Mart, now it has K-Mart as well*. There's a blue light special on NBA veterans and China and other countries are stocking up. By the time the lockout is over, the association's domestic cupboards may be bare and 30 American teams don't want to be stuck buying off-brand ballers because the best have bolted. NBA, don't get left holding the (shopping) bag, because despite what American Beauty tried to convince us, there's nothing interesting about an empty bag.

*There are no Targets, but considering the Chinese reverence for red, they'd love the chain.

Uncalled Fore

With six championships to his name, Michael Jordan is part of an elite club, so it makes sense he'd want an elite tote* to hold his clubs. Behold, his brag bag:

Your half-dozen titles are meaningless on the links, MJ. Do you have your caddie carry your rings on the course? Swap the Air Jordans for cleats and don't look to the Jumpman logo for help - your enormous vertical leap is useless in golf (unless you're hopping up to look for the ball you mis-hit into the woods). The owners and players may not be able to iron things out, but at least you have a cocky carrier for your 5-iron.

*NPR's won't suffice.

David is Goliath

By publicly pronouncing his pessimism, David Stern is making a giant mistake. "We did not have a good day," he sourly stated after talks Tuesday. Still, on the scale of Alexander (terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day) to Ice Cube (I gotta say, today was a good day), his feel somewhere in the middle, which some saw as encouraging. Then came the rest of the week, when players and owners met amongst themselves that, as much chatter as there was around them about compromise, they couldn't care less about it (which is exactly how we feel about Mad Men).

It's a bully move by the owners, but keep in mind that these are a different breed of bullies: they give out lunch money instead of taking it away. Enough lunch money for a three-course meal. And the food being served wasn't cafeteria-grade. The steak was Sirloin, not Salisbury. The owners simply want to scale back and cut the course to two. Players will still eat well, they just won't get Glen Davis-fat*.

On Thursday, players and union leaders donned shirts with the word "stand" printed on them for a press conference, but one side needs to stand down^. If they keep slinging stones and stonewalling, there is no (sling)shot of the season starting in 2011. David Stern, unlike Goliath, will not fall on his face.

* Does this argument make us pro-management? No, it makes us hungry.

^After all, didn't Rosa Parks teach us that fighting for your rights involved sitting?

Pretty McFly for a White Guy

Great Byron Scott! The future of footwear is finally here. The Nikes featured in the film Back to the Future Part II have been released - and four years early (you may recall the movie is set in the year 2015). However, the high tops come with copious caveats. For one, they are limited in number to 1,500 pairs. Secondly, they won't be available at the Twin Pines Mall or, for that matter, any other shopping center. Instead, they are being sold auction-style, through ebay, with proceeds going to Michael J. Fox's charity. Bidding began at 99 cents, but quickly escalated to the point where only NBA players could afford to purchase the product - and that might even be in doubt, since none of them are currently collecting a paycheck. Lastly and much to our dismay, while the sneakers do illuminate (for up to 3,000 hours), alas, the laces are not self-tying, as seen on the silver screen. The company hints that feature will be unveiled in 2015 (and they have, in fact, patented the design). Just do it already, Nike. Take Doc's advice, "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything."

Christopher Lloyd, Kevin Durant and Bill Hader for some reason star (what, the guy who played Biff was too busy to portray the shoe salesman?) in this amusing promo video. We're not blaming you for the enduring lockout, Nike, but we are suggesting that an invention as incredible as power laces could've ended the power struggle. Still, we'll try to be MAGnanimous about it.

Getting Things Off Our Chess*

This stalemate is growing stale, mate. Stop trying to be Bobby Fischer, Derek Fisher. The only gambit we like is in X-Men, so can someone please inform us if the endgame is near? With only two months until the regular season is scheduled to start, management and labor met yesterday for just the second time since the lockout began, for another woefully short session (six hours).Someone should tell them 30 Minutes or Less is a movie, not a mediating motto. Although maybe strapping a bomb to Jesse Eisenberg and making him march into NBA headquarters would speed up a settlement. The sides can't afford to wait another month to meet or merely go through the motions negotiating, since training camp is slated to open one month from today.

Both parties need to make concessions. Players are overpaid. There's no escaping that when the evidence is right in front of our eyes. Rashard Lewis had the second-highest salary last season at $20.5 million. The likes of the often-injury and ineffective Andrei Kirilenko, Vince Carter, Kenyon Martin, Michael Redd and Peja Stojakovic all made well north of $15 mill. Remember, that's guaranteed money. Now this is largely the owners' fault, since the player don't overpay themselves.

But if the league is really in flux financially, why were there buyers willing to snatch up the Sixers and Hawks, two teams with dismal attendance, when the new owners can't even be certain when their franchises next games will be? In fact, Sixers sold for more than double the price they were purchased for 15 years ago (they went for $130 mill. in 1996 and $280 this July). Seems like a valuable asset to us, despite the commissioner's claims to the contrary.

Maybe there's no sense of urgency because players have all manner of options overseas now and owners will still be rich, regardless (just not as rich). Popularity was peaking, but fans can't be converted into pawns, to be emotionally manipulated. Ratings don't magically re-appear when a person or product does. Ask Conan O'Brien. If chess is corrupted, we can move on to the Chinese counterpart, Xiangqi, just as players like Wilson Chandler, can move on to China's pro hoops equivalent. And if owners prevent pro basketball from being played, we'll follow the college version. This isn't about checkmating an opponent, it's about both sides being willing to split the check. If this drags on without a resolution, don't count on fans feeling Deep Blue about it.

*While we respect the recreation, the most important Grandmaster is still Flash.